#maybe i’m old school but i dont feel like i have the right (or need

[whenyoucallmelover]

.

[sangyeonsmuse]

BABYDOLL 𐦍༘⋆

PAIRING: Jock Juyeon + Nerd Changmin & Boyfriend Sunwoo x Cheerleader Reader

WORD COUNT | 4.1k

GENRE Smut

WARNINGS 18+ MINORS DONT INTERACT ‼️, strong laungage, threesome, oral sex, penetration, exhibitionism, sunwoo gets possessive, jealous sunwoo, mature language, this is Literally Porn With Plot, Jock!juyeon, boyfriend!sunwoo, nerd!changmin, exhibitionism, voyeurism, vaginal fingering, male masturbation, unprotected sex, a good amount of praise, degradation , angry Juyeon, dom!sunwoo, pet name babydoll is used. Sex in the school library.

SUMMARY Sunwoo doesn’t like the way Juyeon flirts with you and he knows you well enough to see the way you look at Changmin when you two are alone. He think it’s about time he made it clear just who you belong to. Perhaps it’s about time the two of you made your relationship public.

MORE, I’ve been thinking about this trio a lot lately ever since more babydoll edits started showing up on my fyp again so, here we go.

You and Sunwoo both shared a mutual agreement that your relationship was to stay secretive. After all it all started with a drunken makeout session at one of Kevin and Jacobs wild parties. The only problem was when Sunwoo agreed to keep things a secret he didn’t think it meant watching other guys carelessly flirt with you as if you didn’t already have a boyfriend. Obviously he knew what he had been getting himself into with making you his girlfriend, you were one of the most sought out girls on the cheer team, pretty, top of your class and you were nice to everyone, sometimes a little too nice. Usually Sunwoo would be able to compose himself really well, but the events of today would be all he needs to finally snap.

Not only was it spirit week but it just so happened to fall on the week of homecoming. Knowing you were part of the court it already frustrated Sunwoo to know that you would have to walk in with one of those idiots from the team on your arm, but Lee Juyeon asking you to Homecoming in front of the entire school was not something he thought he would be crossing off his list. Juyeon was someone that already annoyed him when it came to you. His endless flirting, his touchy nature or even all those times hearing Juyeon call you ‘babydoll’ all pissed him off. And right now all he could do was stand there and watch, his tongue poking at the inside of his mouth at how pissed off it had made him. Watching your face as Juyeon approached you with a handful of sunflowers and a sign reading “will you be my sunshine” he could tell that you were a little nervous. The only thing he wasn’t sure of is if the nerves had been from having been put on the spot in front of an entire crowd, or maybe it was the fact that his eyes had been burning holes into both you and Juyeons head.

“I- I’m sorry Juyeon, but I can’t” Sunwoo couldn’t help but walk off with a proud grin on his face once the crowd dispersed. Part of Sunwoo did feel guilty because he had known how excited you were for homecoming, but it wasn’t like the two of you would be showing up together. It had made him feel so guilty that he decided to shoot you a text to meet with him at your usual spot in the school's old computer room.

“Sunwoo?’’ His gaze was torn away from his phone as you entered the room.

“Hello babydoll” as he greeted her the slight annoyance in his voice was evident.

“Sunny please don’t start I didn’t know that he would do that, and you clearly saw me tell him no.’’

“What would you have said if I wasn’t there?’’

“What?”

“You heard me sweetheart what would you have told him if I wasn’t standing there watching the whole thing?’’

“Sun you’re acting ridiculous, why are you asking me that?’’

“Why are you not answering.’’ he was getting slightly annoyed at your ignorance towards the question, part of him felt like if he hadn’t been there you would have said yes. It didn’t go amiss how you would smile and laugh with him whenever he caught the two of you talking at parties or at the games.

“I would have told him no.’’ There was a sudden silence between the two for a moment before you decided to speak again

“I have to go, I promised Mr. Song that I would tutor one of his students.’’ A frustrated sigh spilled from his lips as he watched you leave. He wanted to follow you and apologize for even questioning your loyalty to him, but he knew that if he went after you now he would only make things worse in his current state of mind. So he sat in silence for a while, five short minutes turned into ten long minutes until he realized how ridiculous he had been acting. With a sigh he pulls himself up from the desk and makes his way down the hall, already having a decent idea of where you might have been, after all you always studied in the same place, the school library. As he grew closer he could hear the sound of your laughter the closer he got to the door. That didn’t sound like just studying to him, as he peeked over the doorframe and gazed in he couldn’t help but feel annoyed all over again.

The way your head rested on your palm as you looked at no one other than Ji Changmin. You sat there laughing and smiling as he sat there all pouty.

“You’re cute but being cute won’t make me go any easier on you Changmin.’’ You laugh at Changmin's sulking, seemingly completely unaware that your boyfriend stood right outside the door looking in. Meanwhile a blush formed on Chngmins face from you having called him cute.

“I know you can do better than what you’re showing me Minni. This isn’t the first time i’ve tutored you, you’re pretty smart and i’m sure you know that so I refuse to go easy on you.’’ As you spoke to him your hand rested on Changmin's arm.

To any outsider looking in it would seem like you had just been being sweet and playful, but Sunwoo was well aware of your mannerisms and tone by now. You weren’t simply doing or saying any of those things just to be nice. He was fed up, and now he was feeling like it was about time he put you and everyone else in their place. Turning away from the library entrance he then turned to the direction of the school gym, the place he was more than sure he could find Lee Juyeon. Everyone knew that Juyeon would stay after school to practice, after all he was one of those members on the football team that strived for perfection. When Sunwoo first called out the others name Juyeon was shocked to say the least, of course he was well aware of who Sunwoo was, but the two were entirely different he didn’t think he’d ever find Sunwoo looking for him of all people.

“Yn asked me to pass on a message, she’s waiting for you in the library, something about wanting to apologize or something.’’ Sunwoo tried his best to seem disinterested in the situation, just enough for Juyeons ears to perk up at the sound of your name. Sunwoo simply watched in slight annoyance as Juyeon walked off the field and disappeared back into the school building. He eventually made his way moments later, slowly but surely making his way back to the library where he had watched Juyeon enter just moments before.

“Babydoll!’’ Sunwoo watched as your gaze then shifted from Changmin to Juyeon who was now leaned over the table, his gaze having fallen on Ji Changmin who was sat a little two close to you for Juyeons liking.

“Juyeon what are you doing here?’’

“I told him you were looking for him, sweetheart.’’ Sunwoo finally steps into the library's entrance, taking a step in and he closes and locks the door behind himself.

“Sunwoo?’’

At this point both Changmin and Juyeon had been staring back and forth between the both of you in confusion.

“I think you should apologize to Juyeon for turning him down in front of all of those people princess.” Sunwoo noticed the way your body tensed upon being called that, he was more than sure you were well aware of his annoyance by now. After all he only ever called you such a thing when the two of you were alone and he was planning on being buried deep inside of you. The look on your face was one of both annoyance and panic.

“Um I think i’ll just go maybe we can finish another time.’’ Changmin was ready to take his leave, standing up in his chair, Sunwoos' gaze immediately shot to him making him freeze up on the spot.

“Oh no no not too fast ‘minni’ this won’t take too long.’’ upon hearing your nickname for Changmin you had used only moments ago, it began to set in that Sunwoo had been watching you.

“Okay what the fuck is going on.’’ Juyeon finally snaps, his eyes blazing as he realized he had been set up by Sunwoo.

“Sun.’’

“Quiet babydoll I want you to behave for our two guest. Go ahead and make Changmin a little more comfortable.’’

“Sun..’’

“What is it? What’s the matter babydoll you find him cute don’t you?’’ your eyes said it all, the fact that you had been looking everywhere but into sunwoos eyes said it all.

“Be a good girl and make him feel good while me and Juyeon watch.’’

“Wha-what?’’ Changmin's face had gone bright red, but Sunwoo chose to ignore him.

“Go ahead babydoll.’’

Sunwoo watched as you shyly looked over at Changmin who was obviously nervous.

“Okay what the hell is going on?’’ Juyeon was pissed, pissed at the fact that Sunwoo seemed to have some type of hold on you, even more pissed that he had been tricked into coming here just for this.

“I’m giving you what you want, you think she’s pretty right? Both you and Ji changmin have a crush on My Girlfriend, how cute right Babydoll?’’

“Sun did you really have to bring them into this.’’

“You think you’re allowed to play sweet and innocent with me Princess? I know you and your body well enough to know that you like it when Juyeon here flirts with you, i also know you well enough to know that you’d fuck him or Ji Changmin here without a second thought. Go ahead and take off your clothes for them babydoll..show them how pretty you look.’’ The way you shifted in your seat told him everything that he needed to know, you were getting turned on by this. Him calling you out in front of the two of them.

“Take them off babydoll or i’ll have one of them do it for you.’’ The room fell silent and both Juyeon and Changmin's eyes seemed to be glued onto you as you slowly obeyed Sunwoos' given order. Changmin didn’t think that his face could get any redder until he watched you strip from your white button up and black skirt.

“Good girl.’’ sunwoo takes a seat on the opposite side of the table and spreads his legs, a move you knew all too well. That smirk on his face and the pride in the way he sat was an obvious indication that he was enjoying this. He had you exactly where he wanted.

“Come here sweetheart, I want you to be good for our two guests. As you take a seat on his lap his arms slip around your waist from behind, Sunwoos cold fingers brush against your bare skin as he presses you against his clothed body against yours.

“You’ll be good for them right?” His fingers squeeze your hips in a manner that forces you to stay pressed against him. You gave him a nod which made him give a swift slap across your thigh earning a soft whine.

“Use your words babydoll.”

“I’ll be good sun.”

“That’s my girl, I want you to look at them while I play with you like the pretty little doll you are.” The entire time neither Changmin nor Juyeon said a word. Truth be told neither of them knew what was happening, but the moment their eyes took in your semi naked frame and sat in Sunwoos lap it was hard to look away.

His gaze burned with pride at the fact that he had you right where he wanted and neither Juyeon nor Changmin could do a damn thing unless he allowed it. His fingers immediately met your clit, pushing past your folds and slipping them right inside you with ease.

“I want you to make sure our guests feel included, look them in the eyes and tell them who you want.” His thumb pressed against your clit as he started slowly, thrusting his fingers deep into you like he has done with you thousands of times.

The side of his lips curled into a smirk as he heard the desperate whine that spilled past your plump lips. The moment you opened your mouth to speak he forces in yet another finger, using the three to stretch you out to his liking.

“I'm sorry, what was that? speak babydoll. ” Meanwhile while you struggled with your words both Juyeon and Changmin seemed to be anxiously anticipating who’s name would spill from your pretty lips.

“Ch- Changmin.” You force yourself to breathe out between ragged breaths, the way Sunwoo continuously abuses your clit without letting up, making you squirm in your seat.

“Tell him where you want him doll.” Without hesitation he slipped in two more fingers, taking the time to stretch your walls and feel you out before he began to thrust them in and out slowly. The way you whine for him to move them faster only causes him to slow them down, he was well aware doing this would only make it harder for you to respond but he didn’t seem to care. His fingers thrust further into your cunt with every loud cry that left your mouth.

“Mm my mouth, sun please.” A chuckle spilled from Sunwoos lips at how desperate you sounded.

“Look at you whining like a desperate little doll for some nerd you’re tutoring to fuck your pretty little mouth when your boyfriends fingers are deep in your pretty little cunt.” His eyes shot to Chagmin whose eyes were glued to his fingers that were buried deep inside of you.

“Well you heard her right? You gonna give her what she wants?”

“Mm S-Sun, what about Juyeon.” Your sudden inclusion of Juyeon made his eyebrow quirk up in pure amusement.

“You want them both sweetheart? You want me to watch while they both have their way with you right doll?” He leaves a loving kiss on your neck before pulling his fingers out of you and patting your thigh.

“sit pretty up on the table for them then and let them know what you want.” Sunwoo sat back in his seat watching as you shyly took a seat up on the table.

“Don’t act all shy now baby you weren't acting shy a couple minutes ago when you were begging me to let them have their way with you.”

“I want Ju to eat me out while I take care of Minni.” He chuckles as you look away from him, a slight blush on your cheeks at having to admit it to him.

“Well then was that so hard princess? Go ahead and help them out then.”

Sunwoo watched as you moved between the two, helping them both get out of their pants while they took off your remaining clothes. Now here you were completely naked and exposed, trapped between two men that were working together to completely destroy you. Juyeons lips wrapped around your sensitive clit while Changmins Cock completely filled your mouth, swallowing up every one of your moans.

You had seemed so shy before but now that they had loosened you up you seemed to take it all so well. It seemed like a dream to you Changmins brown eyes gazing down at you through his glasses as he tugged at your hair and fucked your pretty mouth. All while Juyeon sat behind you forcing you to sit on his face and take the abuse of his tongue. For Changmin seeing you between his legs now is quite a treat, especially the way your tongue swirls around his tip and scoops up his arousal. He couldn’t believe it was real, a girl he had fantasized about multiple times struggling to take the abuse of him down her throat.

“She takes it so well doesnt she? .” Sunwoos' gaze burned into you as he watched the scene before him. You weren’t sure why he was letting this happen but at the time you were too caught up in Juyeon and Changmin to care

Changmin breathlessly mumbles out soft curses when you start to bob your head, brushing fingers through your hair and pulling the strands away from your mouth. you moan at that, squeezing his length and forcing him down your throat. You looked a complete mess, your vision clouded with tears and fucked up mascara while saliva coated your chin and plump lips. One look at you and Changmin groans upon seeing your now ruined makeup all because of the way he was abusing your throat. you’re eagerly motivated now, taking him with more consideration but your mouth’s still as hot as ever. He lets out a small moan, letting you go at your own pace no matter how much he wanted fuck your face. you run a long stripe up the bottom of his length, thumb playing with his tip while his eyes stay fixated on you taking him down your throat so well.

“You're doing so well, babydoll.” Sunwoo chuckles upon seeing the way the tears continuously formed within your eyes.

To Changmin your mouth felt like heaven. Using your hands to pump the areas you’re not able to reach, the way you hollow out your cheeks around him immediately shuts him up. You pull him out of your mouth with a plop, a string of saliva connecting him to your lips as you move in to suck just the tip. Lewd moans spew from your lips upon feeling Juyeons tongue work against your clit. You look down at him which was proven to be a mistake because it immediately made your brain go fuzzy.

Juyeon showed no mercy, not letting up for a second even as your legs trembled, slurping up the juices that drip from your clit loudly. The moment you try to jerk away from him his grip on your thighs tighten and he pushes his tongue further between your folds.

“Don’t move, Babydoll,” He groans wrapping a forearm around your thighs and just eats. He

flicks his tongue over your clit while using his fingers to stretch you out groaning at the way your cunt pulsing and gripping his digits. you’re snapped out of your daze when Changmin forces you to look back at him and shoves his cock back into your throat. Mere seconds later Juyeon gives a few slaps onto your clit as a warning to not take your eyes away from Changmin.

you give him an apologetic look before slurping your saliva off his cock. He hums while you continue the bobbing of your head and the moans that you let out around him send vibrations up his body. Changmin twitches in your mouth and his thigh tenses. All while you could feel something burning within your core begging for your release.

“Better hold it princess, if you cum before Changmin i’ll make sure you can’t do it again when i fuck you.” Sunwoo chimes in from the side making you whine.

Despite hearing that Juyeon wasn’t letting up, licking one last stripe before gathering his saliva into a ball and he spits onto your clit, sight so lewd that if you could see it you'd have cum immediately. he admires how the way it runs down your cunt and mixes with your arousal that he couldn’t help but wish for it to be his cum instead. Your eyes roll back the moment he rubs in his spit, a thumb on your bud while he continues to move his fingers and your thighs are already trembling from how he seems to know all your sweet spots in such a short period of time.

“Yn—” Changmin moans, gets breathy and choked the closer he is to his high, hips bucking up into your mouth. the drool that drips from the corners of your mouth and the sounds of your mouth being so full of his cock sends him into a frenzy.

“Remember we don’t waste babydoll.” At Sunwoos words you whine, the slurping and gawking noises getting faster before you’re taking his cock with a gasp, pumping him while your dilated eyes look up to him and him only. He pulls on your hair before you both cum together, your cum spilling out onto Juyeons lips and face all while Changmin spills all down your throat. An overload hits your tongue and the back of your throat and you nearly spit it back up but force yourself to keep it down.

Unfortunately for you, it was not over, Sunwoo immediately lifted you up from the table, taking you into his lap and spreading your thighs apart.

“Now you’re gonna take care of Juyeon while I show them i’m the only one that can fuck you like the pretty doll you are.” While your lips wrapped around Juyeons Cock Your eyes rolled back immediately as Sunwoo pushed himself inside of you until he fully bottomed out. Your tightness earned a low growl from him as he pushed so deep you could have sworn you felt him hit the top of your stomach. He watched the blissed out look on your face with every little thrust inside you.

“Look at you taking me so well, I bet you loved every bit of Juyeon and Changmin working together to destroy you babydoll.” A chuckle spilled past his lips and he immediately spread your legs wider and pulled your thighs up against your chest. Your moans were evident enough that whatever pain you felt if any had gone away. He waisted no time fucking into you, rough and feverish thrusts from the very beginning. Thrusts that caused your eyes to roll to the back of your head so hard you saw stars.

Your nails dug so deep into his thighs that you nearly drew blood. your moans sent vibrations over Juyeons cock, making him throw his head back and pull at your hair, lines of saliva dripping down your chin as each of your moans were swallowed up by him thrusting into your throat.

“Youre such a pretty little doll baby, look at you being so good for the three of us.” Sunwoo immediately leans down to place kisses on your neck, your nipple between his fingers while his other hand fondles your breasts. The pleasure had been overwhelming your bodies in ways you hadn’t thought to be possible. From the feeling of his fingers against your breasts to every time he thrusted in to you feeling like the more he fucked the deeper into your stomach his cock seemed to push.

“From now on you will make it known that you’re mine. Mine to kiss, to touch to fuck. You’re gonna tell every single guy that approaches you that you belong to someone. understand babydoll?” Your thoughts had been so cloudy that you could barely even make out anything he had been talking to you about.

“Such a pretty little whore gonna cum all over my cock after getting used like a slut other men.” He immediately rested one hand on your waist while resting the other on your stomach and pushing down. He wanted to feel just how far his cock could go inside your little frame. This action was all it took to push you over the edge, the moment he pushed down upon your stomach your legs shook and it was a glorious sight for all of them to see, to see you squirt upon the impact of his hand. As you were finally able to pry your eyes open you felt butterflies in the pit of your stomach. The sight of Changmins hands wrapped around his Cock and sweat dripping down his forehead as he watched both Juyeon and your boyfriend work tinder to ruin you.

Your legs shook violently as Sunwoos thrusts grew in speed and the low growls that spilled from his mouth made it all more easy for you to unravel right then and there, your cum spilling out onto his cock followed by Juyeons release down your throat mere seconds later. Sunwoo wasnt too far behind as the fucked out look on your face and the way you clenched around him was all he needed for him to spill into you, him and Changmin both finishing at the same time.

“You two, from now on stop flirting with my fucking girlfriend.” Slipping his head into the crook of your neck he sucks harshly, leaving evidence that you were now tainted by him, a true indication that you belonged to him and no one else

[slayingfiction]

What would your advice for just-starting-out young authors be?

I love new writers! I’ve never known a better way to escape my reality and live a thousand different lives.

I started writing when I was young, maybe 12 or 13 years old. I am now 25, and very much consider myself to be a child, but still, in my 10+ years of personal writing and classes, here are some of the best tips I can give anyone who is new to writing, regardless of age.

Read. Read. Read. Then read some more. The easiest and fastest way to learn how to write is by reading and studying how other people have written their stories. Study their balance of dialogue vs description vs action. Study the words they use and what they’re choosing to describe. Study the scenes that make you feel something, or pull you to the story even more, and dissect it until you understand how to do it.

Daydream. At night, in the morning, before and after school, during school, during work. When people are trying to talk to you, just daydream. Image worlds with populated moons. Imagine worlds with multiple human-like species all living in the same area. Image a boy who goes home and cries to his adoptive vampire parents, and girls who practices knife throwing every night to prepare for the apocalypse that no one sees coming. Dream of everything and anything because that’s how you keep and improve your creativity. Eventually you may even write something with it.

Write for yourself. Always start by writing what you enjoy, and love your characters and your stories. Everything about your first draft should be because you love the story, not what other people like. You will never please everyone, so start with yourself, and build a community with the ones who love your story as much as you do.

Do it on your own timeline. If you want to write a book in a month, edit the next and publish right after, do it. If you want to write the first five chapters of 8 books without finishing, do it. If, like me, you want to write your first novel at 18 years old, and 7 years later still not feel ready to publish, that’s ok! You are not falling behind anyone else, you are exactly where you should be on your own path.

Practice. Your writing will improve with practice, that’s how it works, it’s how it always works. No way to skip right to publishing a first draft and becoming famous for it. Practice and just keep writing, you will improve.

Challenge yourself. While you may love fantasy or romance, or maybe all your story ideas are too big for only one book and they all end up being series’, you need to try new things. Write a mystery short story. Write poetry on how you feel. Write one page on how you could survive a zombie apocalypse as long as you have your coffee in the morning, it doesn’t matter, just try new things. Trying new things is how I wrote this haiku: Take a deep inhale, Breathe fresh air into my lungs, I savorfreedom. Is it the greatest haiku ever? No, but it makes me happy, and reminds me that I can write, good or bad, and still be proud of myself.

Keep all your projects. Good or bad. Look back on them years later and think, yeah that was terrible, at least I’m better now. Or maybe think, this wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. It’s a progressive journey. You can take your time. DONT EVER SHAME YOUR YOUNGER SELF FOR THEIR WORK. THEY TRIED THEIR HARDEST AND WROTE AS BEST THEY COULD. WE ARE PROUD OF OURSELVES, NOT EMBARRASSED OR SHAMED. Whether the work is from years ago or days go. Be kind to yourself, no one else owes you that.

Compare. Compare to popular novels, compare to your friends stories or to people online. Compare and see if your character are developed enough, or if your story makes sense, or if it’s relatable. When comparing however, keep in mind that your written style will be different than all others writers. Your first novel will not be the same as an author’s 10th book that just went viral on TikTok. It takes practice and time. Compare for style, technique, structure and plot. Not for popularity, worth, importance, and don’t feel down thinking that someone writing at a higher grade level makes them better, it doesn’t.

Share your work. If you are embarrassed, use a pen name. That’s perfectly fine. Put your work out there and get feedback. Having one person saying your story is (negative criticism here) is going to happen, don’t freak out. It doesn’t mean your story is flawed and should be tossed. If most people are saying that, then maybe it’s time to revisit the story and plot. Getting feedback from people reading your story is important, you want to ask specific questions so you don’t get generic answers. Get real reviews from real people, the mean voice in your head doesn’t get a say.

Learn the difference between perfect and done. I know, I know. Perfectionists around the world just scoffed and thought ‘I would if I could’. Here’s the thing, it’ll never be perfect. A word won’t be right, you can’t find the right way to convey an emotion, your choice of vocabulary isn’t up to your standards, I get it. You want your work to be absolute perfection so that everyone loves it and no one can say a bad thing about it, but it doesn’t work that way. Instead make it to ‘complete’, then nitpick some details, then it’s done. Done is good, it’s where you want to be.

Self-publishing? Pay for a professional editor and a graphic designer. It makes a difference, I promise.

There’s lots of others, but I would say as a writer-starter-pack, these should get you started, then you will learn lessons all on your own, or find them as you’re writing later on. Truly, just have fun, and the rest will come with time.

Happy Writing!

[jewish-vents]

OK this is painful and I’m sorry if it triggers anyone I just need to share it. I’m queer and I’m Jewish. I’m not super super queer like I’m bi and marginal to the community which always felt like it was run by strict lesbian gatekeeping so my point is I learned to easily pass as straight most of the time because it was easier. And I’m not super super Jewish I was raised as a secular skeptic but my family never denied our Jewishness it’s just that we weren’t part of any religious community but I have proudly claimed my identity as a Jew my whole life. And: I used to always feel safe in the queer community. Like it was a safe space. For me, an outsider, a survivor, of many multiple different kinds of trauma, the queer community was safe and welcoming. There were always people who were kind of obsessed with I/P there, but they were a minority and they didn’t attack me or demand loyalty testing , or if they did make a provocation like at a dinner party it was an aberration from the norm and seen as their obsession and no one joined in. For most of my life, I’m talking 40 years, I felt safe in the queer community. And now it’s just completely transformed. I simply know I can’t be Jewish in any queer spaces without encountering rank antisemitism and callous contempt for Jewish suffering. Maybe you could say I’ve departed these spaces and no one has physically pushed me out, but I refuse to prepare my good Jew™️credentials just to go to a fuckin show or some comedy or dinner party and why should I have to tolerate or adapt to constant antisemitism just to be loved and accepted? In fact I was just beginning to feel safe to be publicly more queer and eke out of the internalized homophobia I carry due to my childhood SA but I can’t do that now. No one will welcome me because I didn’t play their trendy game, and my city’s queer community has made it very clear they don’t give a shit about the harm they cause to Jews. There were firebomb attacks and shootings at Jewish schools, antisemitic slogans screamed at protests at synagogues in my city, and these same people are side-by-side with the (literally) inflammatory speech and lies spread, arms linked and posting social media thrillsville fight the power narcissisms to show how pure they are and how filthy Jews are. That’s what happened to my queer community. These are people I was deeply embedded psychologically with, I was chosen family with. My heartbreak is so deep and it’s been months but I still can’t let go . Where did I go wrong? How many families do I get kicked out of for telling the truth? Could I have educated them more before this happened so that I would’ve been able to stay friends with them? And I ask myself, isn’t this what other Jews felt like, throughout history, other marginal Jews who were at the fringes of their identity groups but getting by, and then just got kicked right out and tossed into the big old pile of JEWS WHO DONT MATTER ANYMORE

I'm so sad to see fellow queer Jews having to go through this. Sadly, it's the reality for many of us. I'm so sorry you're going through that. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you for standing up to yourself and setting boundaries and refusing to compromise who you are to please others

[veryace-ficrecs]

Spiderverse fic recs

This list will include all ratings and tags, so read at your own discretion! :)

I can't guarantee there aren't any spoilers for the new movie!

Superhero Adoption Agency by brushstrokesApocalyptic - Rated T

Jefferson Davis realizes that Spider-Man is a child, and is determined to put an end to his recklessness. Miles disapproves.

It’s a School Night, Why are You Out Saving the World? by TechnicolorVocab01 - Rated G

Jefferson Davis can’t lie to himself, as much as he tries. He and Miles have always butted heads-- his son just has this carefree, unfettered approach to life that Davis' strict, no-nonsense methods seemingly have no place in. A large part of him loves Miles for that, truly, even though sometimes Jefferson feels as if he's just slowing him down. But now, with Miles away at school on weeknights-- seemingly always busy with something or another-- Jefferson has never felt that gaping space between himself and his son yawn wider. Enter the new Spider-Man. A free-spirited kid, five foot nothing and standing between the whole city and danger as if it’s his job, breaking a long series of minor laws with careless ease, and giving a certain cop heart palpitations on a regular basis. Jefferson Davis can’t lie to himself anymore. No matter how much he hates vigilantes-- especially of the masked variety-- a child is a child. And a dad is a dad.

what's up danger by tempestaurora - Rated T

Gwen snorted. “You and Miles would get along-” A smile appeared on her face, growing wider. “You wanna go on a trip?” “A multi-dimensional trip.” “The only fun kind,” she agreed. Gwen turned to him, her smile large and coaxing. “It’ll be great. I’ll get you back here as soon as you want – but it could be fun! Meet Miles, maybe another Peter if we have time.” Peter really wanted to go to another universe, let’s be clear. But he a) had homework, b) didn’t need his brain to melt out of his ears, and c) had a dinner to get to in three hours. He totally ended up going to another universe.

spiderman loves you by owlinaminor - Rated T

Or: how to figure out if your son is actually Spiderman without letting him know that you suspect he’s Spiderman because you want to make sure you’re right about him being Spiderman before you ground him for the rest of his adolescent life.

@heyitsspiderman by meggannn - Rated T

@heyitsspiderman: people act like they know this city but when i’m in the air i find more boroughs all the time. so far ive counted ten. dont listen to big brother in your ceiling (google) telling you otherwise (google maps)

Spinsta (Spidey Insta) by Ravenesta - Rated T

There are things that Jefferson Davis simply does not understand. He's starting to, though.

the family brooklyn by tactfulGnostalgic - Rated T

Series: 4 Works

New York is notoriously protective of its superheroes.

New Moves by WildInkling - Rated G

"Miles needed something else - he needs more moves, he needs new moves. Watching old Spider-man videos on Who-Tube was not gonna be enough." Or: Miles Morales takes up ballet.

Down the Waterspout by Mockingone - Rated T

Peter Parker hightails out of the particle collider with Miles Morales tucked under his arm. Or: Spider-Man lives, and the consequences thereafter.

One New Message by loveydoveywlw - Rated G

"When his dad finds out about him being Spider-Man, it's not in any way that Miles has hoped it would happen." Jefferson finds out about Miles's secret.

Niṣkalaṃka by HydraNoMago - Rated T

“I’m not stupid,” Pavitr retorted stubbornly. Hobie pulled back to look him in the eye, thumbs grazing across Pavitr’s cheeks, dragging frustrated tears along them. “Pav,” he began, but halted to find the right words. He inhaled shakily. “Okay Pav listen, please. You don’t have to be perfect all the time.” “What do you mean–” Pavitr, the Spider-Man who strives for perfection; meets Hobie, the Spider-Man who skews perfection. (A character study into Pavitr, and the progression of his relationship with Hobie. No one dies, everyone moves forward.)

live, laugh, love & sleep by hopeless_hope - Rated T

Being a superhero and traveling the multiverse is exhausting work. So is being a student. You can't blame a guy for always falling asleep. or Five times someone finds Miles sleeping and one time they can't wake him up.

[weak4skz]

Han Jisung x Reader

Genre: friends to lovers, fluff, angst, idol au

Summary: Han and y/n have been friends since before they remember. But what happens if their friendship is severed by an unfortunate situation and Han goes off to be an idol while y/n is in college. When they connect through a mutual friend, what happens then?

CHAPTER WARNINGS: self harm, suicide attempt, eating disorder, body dysmorphia, reader isn’t in the right mind, body insecurities, just a lot of feelings, insecurities in general, self consciousness (tell me if I missed anything)

NOT PROOF READ!!!

A/N: chapter 2 is finally up!! If you couldn't tell, my life has been kind of a mess lately and I've been really busy with school as well as personal matters. But thank you for sticking around and being patient <3

COMMENT TO BE ADDED TO MY TAGLIST FOR THIS SERIES!!!

want2besomeoneelse lixie-jisung-stan jisuperboard mentoslol i-dont-know-me-either mooncallerautumn poisonivy21

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Going home my mind was working overtime but at the same time not working at all. My body went into auto-pilot while I was absolutely mentally wrecked. My biggest priority was to drive home without dying or having a mental breakdown; so I focused for the 15 minute drive home. As soon as I was safe inside my house I allowed myself to go numb. To have millions of thoughts but at the same time have no thoughts. It was a coping mechanism I developed over the years. 

I found out I could get into this little headspace after Jisung caught me cutting myself. Since I didn’t want to be caught doing something so embarrassing; I had to find another way to cope.

And to think I thought my night couldn’t POSSIBLY get worse 

I know I told myself I had gotten past this; but I really needed to feel something. So I went to the bathroom and picked up my blade and started cutting.

 It’s not enough

The pain wasn’t painful enough to fix my broken self so I cut deeper than I knew I should.

 Ah… sweet relief 

While relishing in the floaty feeling, I hear a quiet ping come from my phone. I pick it up, reading the text on my screen.

Hey y/n. I wanted to tell you that I passed that audition that I told you about and got accepted to become a trainee at JYP Entertainment. The only thing is that I have to leave tomorrow; but I promise I’ll keep in touch. Don’t die while I’m gone lol

Hannie

I let out a humorless laugh before making one more cut on my left thigh; it was so deep it gushed out blood. I didn’t really mind though; I needed the pain, maybe even liked it. Or I at least preferred it over everything that had happened in the past couple hours. The bathroom started to blur and I started to see stars; I decided to close my eyes and let the darkness take over.

SIX YEARS LATER

I walk into the cozy coffee spot trying to spot my friend. When I do; I rush over and give him a tight hug while he gently sways the both of us back and forth gently. He hugs me so tight I pull back from a lack of air.

Now, one might think that our greeting is a little much for not seeing each other for two days; but there is nothing dramatic enough for the man who saved my life

“Hey Y/n”

“Hey Chan” I say back breathlessly.

Chan, the 5’7 father of seven who is the reason I’m still here today FOUR YEARS AGO

After receiving the news of my mom’s death; I was devastated. She was at the hospital more than she was home; but when she was home we had so much fun. I could remember nights when we would stay up until 4 am surrounded by our favorite snacks. We would talk about anything and everything: me, her, the new episode of our favorite drama, Jisung.

Jisung

He hasn’t contacted me since the night of that party two years ago. I kept my old phone and number, even when I got a new one, just in case he called. I even pay the ridiculous rent for my childhood home just in case he came by. But maybe he just forgot about me; I mean, I am pretty forgettable. Not much special about me when he is a musical genius. 

I look out onto the bridge I’m on; the city looks so pretty from up here. Then, I look down at the water and the reflection of the city on it. Honestly, I would rather be in that city than the one up here. So I walk a little closer to the edge; not to jump, just to look. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. When I get to the edge and lean over it a little, reaching for the city in the water; I feel arms pulling me back. I immediately tense in the man’s arms, trying to figure out what type of person he could be. I lower it down to three options

A pedophile

A man that thought I was gonna jump and is trying to save my life

A drunk guy

‘Hey’ the man says in a gentle voice. “You’re a little close to the edge; why don't we back up a bit, yeah?” the voice says, gently pulling me back to a safe distance from the edge of the bridge. While still in the mystery man’s arms, I begin to analyze him. He’s strong, definitely stronger than me, so I can’t fight him. He also seemed to have the accent of a native English speaker. Before I could finish my detailed analysis the mystery man turned me around. 

“Hi,” he starts. “I’m Chan, Bang Chan. And you are?” he asks, looking at me with expecting eyes. “Y/n,” I responded in a quiet voice. 

“You looked like you could use some company. Why don’t we walk around and talk for a bit, hm? We can grab some food if you’d like.” 

“Oh, I’m not that hungry” 

That is the dumbest lie I have ever told

The truth is I am hungry. I have had nothing but a protein shake every other day. I skipped at least two days a week for the times I would go get food with friends or go eat with my mom at the hospital. But, I couldn't stop now. I've finally started to look normal, maybe even pretty. 

“Y/n, when’s the last time you ate, and I mean a full meal.”

Y/n, are you really about to spill all of your emotional trauma to some random stranger you just met?

Yes, yes I am

“About a month ago” his eyes automatically widened. “Yeah I have an eating disorder that I developed from body dysmorphia,” now Chan is looking at me like I’m crazy. Which, at the moment, I probably am. “Yeah I know. My mom died last week.” now even I know I’ve gone insane. 

“I wanted to jump” this time, I’m a little quieter; the fact I wanted to end my life a little harder to admit. “I’ve been cutting for years but after she died, cutting wasn’t enough” 

That was when I realized I was crying. It 's the first time I had cried since I was at my mom’s deathbed. Not while I drove home; not while I was cutting myself on the bathroom floor, not even at the funeral. 

I expected Chan to walk away. To consider me another depressed college student and to move with his life. But instead; I feel his arms wrap around me and his hands stand to gently move up and down my back. In my estranged state, I’m confused as to why the man I just met is comforting me. What’s even more confusing is how loved and cherished I feel in his arms. So, as any normal person would do, I cry my heart out into the man’s arms. 

After my loud sobs turn into quiet sniffles, Chan pulls me back and looks at my face.

“No offense, but you look like a mess”

“You look worse,” I sniffled.

Now that I got a good look at him, he looked a mess. His hair was  in messy, tangled curls, he had really dark bags under his eyes, and he was wearing different shoes.

“We both look like shit. But why don’t we fix our shit together, yeah?’

“Sure, why not”

BACK TO PRESENT TIME

“Ok, hear me out,” Chan starts. “What would you think of meeting the kids and becoming our manager for our upcoming comeback?”

“Let me get this straight. You want me, a broke girl straight out of college with no experience; to manage you and your friends' world-wide popular band?”

“Yes?” he says, but it sounds more like a question. 

“I haven’t even met them yet. First let me meet your so-called kids then we can talk about me becoming one of your managers,” I negotiated. Chan talks very highly of his kids; but again he couldn’t say a bad thing about anyone. 

“Ok great! How about right now?” he asked with a smile. 

“WHAT?” Chan grimaced at my loudness. “Bang Chan I am not dressed to meet a bunch of world-famous kpop idols!” Truthfully, I wasn’t dressed that bad. I was wearing a white tank-top, maybe a little too tight for a girl like me to be wearing; under a dark blue zip-up with some black, wide leg cargo pants. 

“You look fine,” he said a little more seriously. “They are at my apartment, we don’t  have to go if you don’t want to.”

“No, I'll go. I’ve been wanting to meet them for a while, this is just a little more sudden than what I had imagined.” are the words I force out of my mouth. “Yea sorry about that. I just knew if I didn’t ask you to come over today you would put it off for weeks,” he responded with a small smile.

This man knows me too well

He knows how I panic when meeting new people. How I get anxious about everything from what I say to how dirty my shoes are. He knows that I worry myself into panic attacks when it comes to first impressions

I let out a choked laugh, as if I were trying to laugh at a lame joke.

Except I am the joke

I tell him I’ll go, even if I kind of don’t want to. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to meet everyone; it’s just they seem so perfect. They just had to look good in everything: serious pictures, funny pictures, music videos, interviews, you name it. 

Slightly against my own will; I begin to get up, expecting us to leave.

“Y/n, you’re forgetting something,” Chan reminded me. I look at the table to see if I left my phone or wallet on it, but I don’t spot anything that’s mine. “What am I forgetting?” I asked him confused. “Y/n you forgot your sandwich”

My brain is working at 500 mph trying to come up with a better lie than ‘I had a really big breakfast’ because Chan knows I ever eat in the morning. “Y/n, did you eat at all yesterday? And I mean real food.” Chan asked, or rather scolded.

The truth is I didn’t, but it’s justified because the day before yesterday I went out with my old college friend, Yeji, and we ate hot pot; 3750 calories if I calculated correctly. And that’s way above my daily intake for two whole days. So technically, I ate enough for two days in one day which means there was no need to eat yesterday.

“Y/n,” Chan sighed; “Can you at least take a couple bites? Please?

“I can’t eat when I’m nervous,” was my excuse of choice. I mean, it wasn’t the complete truth but he didn’t have to know. 

Chan seemed to accept my answer and stood up. “Fine, are you ready to go?” he asks.

[tommoschaffner]

« much more than i bargained for »

little warning uh im a minor !! nsfw blogs dni please ^_^

summary — steve goes in for snacks, and comes out with a FAT crush.

promt — ‘ candy ‘

this will have multiple chapters that i will post whenever i have the energy to write more ^_^ im often busy with school+homework ++ so dont expect weekly updates or whatever LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve sighs as he enters the shop, the little one at the top of his street, right at the corner. There’s music playing through the speakers, but not the usual kind he hears at the shops. Steve wants to say it’s— cooler? Yeah, cooler.

He bobs his head to the beat a little as he wanders inside, a high-pitched bell ringing as he does. The guy working the till’s head shoots up at the sound, like he’s scared or something. He makes eye contact with Steve, before smiling softly and looking back down.

Steve lets his eyes trail down his body, following his arms, down to his hands, where they’re holding a magazine between his slender legs, which are hanging off an old wooden stool.

He’s got tattooed wrists, and forearms, and hands. His fingers are decorated with delicate little designs, which are mostly covered with his many rings. Steve notices one in particular, a silver band with two little bat wings. It matches the tattoo just under his elbow, the one of a swarm of bats. His eyes begin to travel back up, spotting a bunch of, what look like, homemade bracelets on one of his wrists. They have words, but it’s not like Steve can read them, not from this far away.

It’s a few minutes before Steve realises he literally hasn’t peeled his eyes off the cashier, or even moved at all. He snaps back into reality when another customer enters, ringing the bell behind him.

Fuck, what was he in here for again? Oh— yeah, snacks. Candy. Robin and Nance are probably bored of waiting for him. Or not, Steve doesn't think they could get bored even if they tried, not when they have a house to themselves.

Steve finally moves, and he swears to God, every single one of his bones have been replaced with jelly.

As he wonders around the shop, crossing the different foods Robin requested off his list, he makes a mental note of how much money he’s gonna need.

A dollar fifty, three dollars, four dollars and ninety-nine cents.

He ends up with candy, and drinks, which all amounts to ten dollars and fifty cents.

Steve sort of doesn’t notice that he’s at the counter ‘til the guy behind it asks if he wants a bag. They’re so close now, Steve can see what he looks like up close. He has these gorgeous eyes, that sort of droop down at the ends. Thick, dark, eyelashes that cast a shadow on his cheeks. And, most notably, long, curled hair. A rich, dark brown colour. Strands of it lay on his shoulders, almost blocking the view of the badge on his shirt, his name tag, that says ‘Eddie’, in little, blue letters.

“Do you? Want a bag, I mean,” Eddie repeats, seemingly now a little annoyed. Steve watches his lips when he speaks, and, fuck, he’s pierced. Angel fangs, Steve recalls in his head. That’s what they’re called, the ones that look like sharp, shiny teeth. He wonders what they’d feel like if he kissed Eddie, how they contrast of his plush, warm lips with cold, hard metal would feel. The thoughts send a wave of heat rushing through Steve’s belly.

“No, I— I’m okay, I’ve got my own,” he says, pulling his rucksack off his shoulders and unzipping it.

Eddie just smiles that same, soft smile, tells Steve how much money he needs to give him.

And Steve gives him the money, wordlessly. He puts his shopping in his bag, wordlessly. And he looks back up at Eddie, again, wordlessly. Like he’s expecting him to do something else. Or maybe he’s waiting on himself to do something.

Eddie swears he can hear the cogs turning in Steve’s brain.

“Well— okay, uh, bye, thank you!” Steve smiles, and practically sprints out of the shop.

He rushes home with a million thoughts in his head, the main one being something along the lines of ‘why, in the absolute fuck, didn’t you ask for his number? Or at least try to make small talk?’

Steve can’t answer that. He doesn't know why.

Well, there’s always next time.

[molly-millers-writings]

My Choice

You told me

That you were afraid

That you would be lonely forever

Not alone

Hopefully

Not alone

But always lonely

You are afraid that

Even when you

Are surrounded by people

That no doubt

Love you

That you will be

Lonely

I will be honest

I don't get it

Maybe I am just

Incapable

Of understanding

Or you don't know

The right words

But I have to ask

Is it a choice?

I choose to be lonely

Most days

I choose not to tell you

About the relatives

That have passed

My grandmother

Who loves you too much

Wanted me to invite you

To her mothers memorial

I told her that it would be weird

To invite you

To a memorial

Of someone you never knew

She responded

“But he knows you”

She wanted you for me

She thought I would need you

I chose not to invite you

I choose not to tell you

When my days are getting

Bad again

I don’t tell you

What the bad days were like

I choose not to seek comfort

Even if I might “need” it

I chose long ago

To learn how to cry

Without looking like

I ever cried

I chose to hide what hurt me

In the ripped out pages

Of an old journal

Hide my emotions

Behind phrases

In my speech

And in my poems

“It’s not your fault”

“Everyone thinks they are a monster”

I hide everything that hurts

Behind the second time

I ask you

“Are you okay?”

I choose not to name

My emotions

I chose when i was

10 years old

To never let anyone

Know anything

They didn't need to know

To like me

I don’t tell anyone

About when I was 8

And believed that God

Indeed made mistakes

And the school counseling

I had

Just to get me to stop crying

Every time I was reminded

That God didn’t want to take

Responsibility for his mistake

I once tried to express myself

Through clothes

Hair

Way of speaking

And when I couldn't figure out

Who I am

My mom said

"Do you have to?"

Now I choose

Not to express myself

My clothes

Hair

And speech

Are plain

I don’t tell anyone

About my favorite band

And how each member

Feels like a part of me I lost

Somewhere

I don’t tell anyone

My favorite stories

Or how the one thing

That ties them all together

Is I choose you

I choose me

I choose them

I choose

I don’t tell anyone about

When I was 15

Waiting for my last friend

To join the military

And forget me

So that there would be one less

Person

To miss me while I walk away

From all of this

I don’t tell you

The things I’m not

Brave enough

To write in this poem

I choose to let my hands hover

Over you because

I am scared of my hands

I choose to back away

When your hands reach for me

Because I keep forgetting people

Are warm

And the reminder

Shocks me

I dont think being lonely is bad

I pray that no one

Gets to fully understand

Who I am

How is your loneliness

Uncomfortable?

I don’t want to

Stop being lonely

I want to be lonely forever

I don’t know if its because

I find comfort

In my barriers and loneliness

Or

If it's like what I fear

It might be

That I’ve known this loneliness

For so long

That I am now 

Too scared

To leave it

[therosebunpost]

Summer Vacation Regrets

—————

Steve Harrington x Disabled! Disfigured!Fem!Reader

The Summer where you finally get that major surgery, but for some reason you don’t want to hang out with Steve before it happens. (A prequel/drabble to my Regret Series)

TW: Underaged drinking, heavily discussion of surgery, self esteem issues, hospitals, mentions of a near death incident, Reader is as neutral as possible but this story is heavily influenced by my life and experiences, so there may be some incidental coding. (Please feel free to give me feed back on anyway I can make this better!)

(Not beta’d, so I apologize for grammar)

—————

Steve was looking forward to summer. He already had it mapped out. Taking a job at the pool as a lifeguard, he was determined to save up for a car by the time he was 16 years old. His parents were proud, he was proud, and you were proud. Proud enough to promise him that you’d make the trek to hang out with him at the pool as many times as your parents let you, or you could sneak away on your big, clunky three wheeled bike.

It’s why getting that call was so confusing.

“I…I can’t hang out with you at the pool anymore. At least not for a few months.”

“Months? How many??”

There was some muttering on the line that Steve couldn’t quite make out. Not that he was really focusing on it too much. Months? You wouldn’t hang out with him for months?

“Two, two months.”

He says your name, exasperated. “That’s almost the entire summer! We’ll only have a month left!”

More muttering, now he can hear the sudden pain in your voice. “Wait, it…it might be…the whole Summer, Stevie.”

“What?!”

“I just came back from my doctor. They say it’s finally time, that I’m so close to getting my prosthetic. I just need to um, do something else first. That I need to recover from. So, no pool or anything.”

That gets him to calm down, just a bit. Right, your appointment. Your surgery. “Well, alright. Then we’ll just hang out another way! You know there’s that movie coming out, maybe you can ask your mom-“

“I can’t.”

Steve blinks, once again confused. “O…kay. I’ll bring stuff over then! Or you can come over! Oh, we could hang out in my pool. Does your mom know I’m a lifeguard? I promise we’ll be super safe, and she can even stay over with you, we have the room-!”

“I don’t want you to see me!”

There was that pain in your voice again.

"Oh god Steve it's, it's so awful. They have to put this implant inside of me, and it's gonna end up looking like this growth on my face. I hate it, I hate this so fucking much." You finally break down on the phone and Steve takes a moment to gather what your saying.

Sometimes the things you went through confused him. He's known you for years at this point but your condition still didn't make a lot of sense to him. From what you've told him, it didn't make sense to your doctor's either.

"...So I can't see you at all? You really are gonna spend all summer alone?"

"We can still call." You rush to tell him, and Steve can imagine the way you strangle the phone cord in your hands. "I dont…i just don't want to be seen. But I'll call you. i'll call you everyday."

"...When is it? The..implant?"

"Next week. Im going to home school for the last weeks of school."

"Holy shit, your serious?"

"Yeah. It's…Its bad, Steve. I…I cried after they told me the plan. Right in the room with mom."

"...Will you at least come over one more time this week? At least come hang out at the pool once?"

"..I'll ask mom."

-.-.-

Your mom does say yes, and hanging out at the pool was just as fun as Steve thought it would be. Sure, you couldn't swim but you hung out with him in the guard chairs. You spent the night, and you both sneak out to hang by his pool, alone.

Steve, ever the bad influence at times, passes you the bottle of beer. "...Are you really not going to do anything? Or see anybody?"

"...I just…I think I was finally starting to accept my appearance and now this? For months? I just…I hate it so much. Its like the universe hates me."

"It's probably won't be as bad as you think, I mean-"

"It's gonna be pretty damn bad. like, it's gonna be the size of my cheek. Maybe even bigger! I'll look gross." You lean back against the warm ground.

"The doctor said they could do a skin graph but they wanted to use the skin on my face first so it matches better. But like come on, it's all my skin, the difference can't be that much! It's not like they had that issue trying to use a part of my rib as a prosthetic!"

"....Didn't you say that your body…like…sucked it back in and that's why it didn't work?"

".....Okay, fair but still! A balloon?? On my face? It's like they don't even fucking care how awful that's going to be.The stares I'll get, the grossed out faces. It's like, how do they expect me to live with that?"

Steve laid down with you, and while he didn't know a lot about what you were going on about, he knows your frustrated.

"Remember when you got that bar on your face? The metal one?"

You gave him a look. "..Yeah?"

"You lived after that. You survived."

"I was like, five."

"So? You gonna let a five year old be braver than you?"

"Oh that is not the same-"

"Okay, what about when you got that thing out of your stomach? The feeding thing-"

"My G-tube?"

"Yeah. You literally bragged about having your stomach stuff coming out of you and just living with it. We were like, ten?"

"Im still not over the fact that the doctors didn't believe me about it not closing all the way, those jackasses."

Steve says your name and you sigh. "Okay fine, but that was then and this is now. I'm older, I care more about myself."

Steve snickers and you reach over and shove at him. He makes a show of nearly falling into the pool which you scoff at.

"Last summer, you and I went out on a canoe together without a person with us. Mind you, you could have died if we tipped over. We gave the counselors a heart attack."

You laugh at the memory, the rebellion rushing through your veins. "I had you with me!"

For a moment Steve is taken aback, but he's quick to shake his head with a smile. "Obviously. But anyway, are you gonna let this get you? Are you just not gonna hang out with me because of a bunch of assholes? Do you think I'm an asshole?"

That makes you whip around to face him, aghast. "No, Steve what-"

He levels you with a long stare. "Then why do you think I'd care about it? You're my friend. I wanna spend the summer with you. Not just over the phone, which is bullshit because you hate phone calls anyway."

It's a moment like this where you ponder the real reason you don't want him to see you. The real reason that you refuse to acknowledge because it will never happen.

Only in fairy tales, or movies, or books. Things that happened to Pretty Girls, like the ones Steve talks about sometimes.

"...I'm scared." You whisper, softly. "...I'm really scared, Steve. This…this is going to change my life. I dunno if I'm ready for that." You look out at the water, which glows from the pool lights. "I've been told my whole life how this will fix things. Fix me. Getting this prosthetic, getting my trach taken out. There's gonna be a lot of benefits, yeah, but…I'm angry that I have to do this shit. I'm angry that it's something I just have to grin, and bare because there's no other fucking alternative."

Steve watches you as you talk. His eyes trained on the shape of your lips, the way the sounds are altered, the light of the pool on your face. You look…tired. More tired than anyone your age should be.

"....You know uh…worms?" He snickers a little when you furrow your eyes at him. "They go through that thing, that change thing."

"Metamorphosis."

"Yeah, metamor-whatever."

"Okay, end? Also those are caterpillars."

"Your a worm!"

"Caterpillar."

"Oh my god, shut up-"

You laugh, silent but obvious with the way your shoulders shake and you lean your head back.

"But like yeah, this is you going through your meta-thing. You're gonna be a pretty butterfly or Oh! A Swan. Yeah."

Pausing at his words, you can feel the heat creep up your cheeks. "...Pretty?" You echo, shy and just a little uncertain.

"Well duh. Really pretty." Steve insists, beaming at you. It's a brash, kinda backwards compliment but he's trying. He's really trying, and you aren't sure if you can keep shoving those fluttering feelings away.

-—————-

Those last three weeks of school pass. Steve doesn't get to see you until the first week of Summer, where he bikes all the way to your house. He had called to tell you he was coming, so he doesn't knock when he gets there.

"So, how did it go- Whoa-"

Well, you were not kidding. The implant was obvious. Very obvious, and Steve forced himself not to stare at it. Not that it mattered, since you were already crumbling away from him.

"It's awful, I know-" You gush, devastated. "Feels weird too." Your eyes are red rimmed from crying and Steve stands there awkwardly. Fuck, he was not good with crying.

"No! It's…Its not that bad. I just had a hard time picturing what it looked like when you told me." He explains, the words spilling from him. It was the truth, he really didn't know what to expect. "It's not bad, I swear on my collection of baseball cards, it's not!"

You narrow your eyes at him. "...Even the signed ones?"

"Yeah."

Your shoulders slowly relax and you rub at your eyes. You were always good at coming back from crying. Steve, well, he wishes he could bounce back that fast.

"..Wanna watch a movie?" He suggests, already heading into the living room. "Any one you want!"

-----

After that, the weeks passed and you slowly grew bored of keeping yourself locked away like some princess, or troll. You slowly started joining your mother on her errands. The implant grew and grew, but after a while you got used to it. Steve barely glanced at it anymore, instead focused on spending the summer with you, whenever you had the chance.

You do end up hanging out with him during lifeguard duties. He jokes about having you as his assistant whenever you bring him water or snacks, but you always retaliate with squirting at his hair with a water gun.

It's not all perfect. You do get stares. People sometimes avoid you, and kids your age are cruel, but Steve is there. He's getting popular, and with whatever grade school cred he has, he makes sure to use some of it to protect you.

It all shifts when the surgery finally arrives. You and Steve are sitting out by his pool again, now a month and a half older. "...I'm gonna miss you, at camp." He states, taking a sip of another beer.

"...Your still going??" You raise an eyebrow at him. "Why?"

"Because I like it? Besides, I'm thinking about being a counselor. Why do you sound so surprised?"

"Well, I…I mean I'm not gonna be there." You state, and the words sound ridiculous as soon as you let them out. Steve laughs and you shove at him. "I'm gonna miss you, sure, but I still wanna go! I need to defend my swimming record, and I already have what I'm gonna wear for theme night! Wouldn't you still go if I couldn't?"

The way he says it, it sounds like the answer should be obvious. The camp was for people like you, after all.

He says your name after a moment, confused. "...Wouldn't you?"

"...I dunno." You admit after a moment, breathing in slowly. "....It's kinda fun, but sometimes I hate the atmosphere. I hate the way the counselors talk to me at times, like I'm stupid. I don't feel like…I'm disabled enough to warrant even being there. Hanging out with you, it actually makes me enjoy it. It feels like an actual camp."

Steve doesn't say anything for a while. You watch the way his brows furrow, and the contemplative frown on his lips. "...Does that mean…last year was your last year?"

You ponder it before shaking your head. "...I want to go with you." You shrug, picking at a loose thread on your swim suit. "If you become a counselor, then I will too! Like hell am I gonna let you boss me around even more."

He laughs, loud and clear. You're jealous, and awed all at the same time. "But I will probably stop one day, I think."

Steve nods, and you wonder if the sadness in his eyes is just a trick of the light.

----

The next morning, you go in for early surgery. Steve is antsy the whole day, though he isn't sure why. You were a pro at this! He's heard countless stories about your various surgeries, so why does this one feel so…great? Monumental?

He doesn't get to come see you until the next day. He walks in, holding a bouquet of flowers and a plush of your favorite animal. He hopes he doesn't look as tired as he feels. He woke up early at 6 AM, zoning out to Twilight Zone reruns until 8, where he stumbled around to get ready to see you again. It hadn't been that long ago, but it felt like maybe you had gone three months without seeing each other.

As he makes his way over to your room, he's reminded of an episode he watched. A hospital themed one. It kind of confused him, really. The woman got surgery to be beautiful, but it failed.

Steve turns a corner, and passes a plastic surgery office where he can hear the distant sounds of a meeting.

He remembers watching the bandages being removed, and thinking he heard them wrong. The woman was beautiful. The surgery was a success and yet…the hospital staff had recoiled. He had been blown away by the revelation of what the doctors and nurses looked like, and something in the back of his mind wished you could have seen it with him.

He steps into the hospital room, his eyes landing on you. Your face isn't fully bandaged up, but there's a strip of cloth that keeps your mouth shut. You look as exhausted as he feels. Your eyes slowly open to see him, only to become slightly panicked.

"Hey." He greets, slowly walking closer and settling down in the plastic chair beside your bed. You don't say anything, you can't, but Steve does. "Y'know, I'm kinda confused." He admits, gently placing the tiny stuffed toy on your bed. “I don’t think the doctors did much.” You make a noise of confusion, gesturing at the bandage on your face. Obviously they did, what was he even getting at here?

"No, really. Like sure, the balloon thing is gone, but you look the same to me, Miss Butterfly." He admits, leaning on his arms and gazing up at you. Watching as the words slowly register. You slowly smile, eyes shining with tears before you wince and grab at your notepad.

'Stop making me smile, my face hurts like a bitch. >:('

He laughs, shaking his head and reaching over to grab the remote for the TV. "I'll ask the nurse for more drugs, maybe you'll be a little nicer to me." He grins, and flips through the channels. "But hey, there's this episode I want you to see.."

Midway through the re-runs, you fall asleep. The drugs and the pain dragging you under. Steve sits there, his hand in yours. He eyes the IV, his thumb brushing against the bandage keeping it inside. His gaze travels up your arm, and lands on your face. Your expression wasn’t exactly peaceful, but he was glad you were resting.

“I was scared this morning.” He admits, emboldened by the silence. “I know you’re like, super good at all of this, but…yeah.” He trails off, letting his eyes slowly drift closed. “You do look really pretty. In your hospital bed, or..anywhere really. You always have.”

[xenascribbles]

Writerly Questionnaire

thanks for the tag @willtheweaver :) i dont do tag games a whole lot bc… well idk. they scare me? but this one got my attention. mostly because it doesn’t involve sharing any of my actual writing.

About me:

When did you first start writing?

around 2013-14 i think. it was my freshman year of high school. i was recently introduced to one direction, and well…. the rest is history (i wrote bad harry styles fanfic which eventually evolved into fully original work)

Are the general themes you read different from the ones you write?

i would say no. i mostly like to read fantasy, and that’s mostly what i write, i think.

Is there an author/fellow writer you want to emulate, or one to whom you want to be compared?

in short, no. i have learned the hard way that comparing myself to others is the devil.

Can you tell me a little about your writing space(s)? (room, coffee shop, desk, etc)

i’m generally in an old, peeling, faux-leather recliner, laptop in my lap, some mindless show on in the background, and then whatever i need right around me.

What’s your most effective way to muster up some muse?

ehhhhh idk honestly. just thinking about my story will stir up some motivation and inspiration if im not there yet. i just kind of sit with my doc open in front of me until something starts happening

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

in any way that you environment influences you, i suppose. not directly. certainly not on purpose. i don’t pull inspiration from it at least.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

there are probably some i don’t recognize as repeat offenders, but i think all of my stories have the main character incapacitated with pain while their love interest has to take care of them. i eat it up every time.

grief is often a key factor in my stories, but let’s not look to far into that.

My Characters:

Would you please tell me about your favorite character? (Current wip, past wip, never used)

right now, it’s scarlett :) she’s a bitey woman who likes to kill and torture, but she gets carried away too easily, so her girlfriend evie tries to show her how to control herself and how to appreciate death and killing as an art form

Which of your characters would you be friends with in real life?

theoretically, all of them. they’re all amazing and i love them.

realistically, none of them. they’re messy and i’m a recluse that doesn’t like a lot of upset in my life

Which of your characters would you dislike most in real life?

anzurin. he’s one of those “sexy in fiction, a walking red flag in real life” kind of characters

Tell me about the process of coming up with one, all, or any of your characters.

truly, i don’t have much of a process. i generally get a quick idea or flash of inspiration for, say, a single scene, and then i build their character as i write it.

Do you notice any themes/traits about your characters?

the male love interests i write always worship the ground the main character walks on. women are almost always the focus. i love women

How do you picture them?” (as real people you imagined/as models/actors that exist in real life/as imaginary artwork, as artwork you made or commissioned, anime style, etc)

mmm i think i have that thing where you can’t picture stuff in your head. like i can come up with the features i want them to have, but i can’t see them. i can’t “picture” them.

i generally use whatever medium i can find - inspiration from real people, artwork i find, i have commissioned things before, picrews.

My writing:

What’s your reason for writing?

i don’t know, really. maybe i don’t have a reason. it just feels natural. as natural as breathing. like it’s exactly what i’m supposed to do with my life.

is there a specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?

my “readers” consist of one singular friend lol but she has said that im really good at building characters and making them feel real.

How do you want to be thought of by those that read your work? (for example, as a literary genius, or as a writer who “gets” the human condition as a talented worldbuilder, or a role model, etc)

i don’t want to be thought of. i would just be happy if my work was enjoyed. alas, i barely share it because, again, i don’t want to be thought of.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

my character building

What have you frequently been told your greatest writing strength is by others?

my character building :)

How do you feel about your writing? (answer in whatever way you interpret that question)

it varies. sometimes i feel like it’s not just good, it’s good enough (that’s a reference to ‘north of the border’ adam the sculptor). sometimes i feel like it’s great. sometimes i feel like i’ve lost it and will never write anything good again.

If you were the last person on earth, and knew that your writing would never be read, would you still write?

absolutely. as i said in another answer, writing is like breathing. i hardly share it as it is, so that’s not an issue at all.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? if it’s a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?

i think i mostly just write whatever i want. i fear that lately? i’ve been more conscious of what others might think/enjoy, but im trying to stop doing that. i write for me. i write because i enjoy it, and if i start trying to cater to others, i will no longer enjoy it.

~~~~~

some of those were difficult to answer but this was a good time :)

i don’t know many of you have already done this, so if i tag anyone that has already done it, sorry :/ you don’t have to do it again

but i will tag a few no pressure tags: @autism-purgatory @finickyfelix @frostedlemonwriter @bluberimufim

[shinenihs]

Highschool Reunion

My Classmates in High School planned a Reunion since we haven’t seen each other for over ten years. I was having second thoughts because they told me Ten was going. Ten was the biggest jerk in our class, he would date several girls and he was known for that. Luckily I wasn’t one of them, But He was my biggest crush in highschool and everyone knew, including him, so maybe that’s why he didn’t date me. The Gathering is in Saturday

And I already cleared my schedule. I went shopping for Clothes and things I needed for the party.

It's Saturday morning and I Fixed my things so I won't be rushing myself later. The Gathering starts at 5pm so it's dinner. I cleaned my house, ironed my clothes and took a nice Bath.

My friends texted me the Venue, I finished at exactly 3pm and the Venue is a 1 hour drive.

While I was driving, I stopped for coffee so I went to starbucks. And I went ahead to my destination. 

Finally I arrived at the Venue, I forgot to tell you the theme of our gathering. My classmates always make a theme so we won't look random. Our theme was neutral colors and I wore my Beige Dress. 

“Hiraya!” My best friend Zerene called me. 

“Zerene! Hi!” I ran to her and hugged her.

“Alice and Louise are at the Table let’s go” She said

“Oh okay let’s go” 

As we were walking to the table Everybody had their eyes on me. 

“Why are they looking at me?” I whispered 

“Because Ten is behind you” She whispered back

I look behind me and yeah there he is looking at me, I rolled my eyes at him and I sat beside Zerene. But knowing Ten he sat in front of me so which makes everything worse.

“So Ten, Do you have a girlfriend?�� My classmate asked him

“Nope I dont have one”

Really he still doesn't have one? Its been like 11 years I'm surprised he’s not married yet

“Why not?” My other classmate asked him

“Because I’m waiting for someone” He answered while looking at me

What the fuck does he mean by that?

“Hiraya he’s looking at you” Alice whispered

“Yeah I can see that” 

“Hiraya, How about you? Are you settled like your friends?” They asked

“Unfortunately, No.” I answered

“Why not?” Ten asked

Because I still like you dumbass.

“It’s just not my priority right now, and I’ve been busy with my work” I replied

“Oh okay I see” He said

The dinner was loud just like the old times. In fact we were known as the  chaotic class in our 12th year. My classmates would be doing the craziest shit and still didn’t get suspended. Idk why but we always get our way out. The dinner ended at 8pm since some of us have their own family and need to get home early to spend time with their husbands and wives. I feel envious of them for being settled in. Imagine getting to marry the man of your dreams and you’re stuck here still liking the biggest jerk in class. 

My friends bid their goodbyes and went home to their own families, I'm the only one in our circle without a boyfriend. It’s crazy, I never imagined myself being single in my mid 20's. I didn't leave the venue since I wanted to appreciate the view.  

“Why are you still here?” A familiar voice asked 

“Why do you care?” I asked back

“You’re still that Hiraya from High School, Loves to answer with another question huh?”

“Ten, what do you want?” 

“Can’t I hang out with you?” 

“Isn’t it weird for you? I liked you in Highschool and you did nothing but ignore me” I still like you.

“Yeah I was a jerk but I'm not like that anymore.” 

“I can tell”

“Let’s go grab a coffee down the alley, I heard the atmosphere is calming there” 

I had no choice but to say yes to coffee. I hope it doesn’t mean anything right?

We went there and he told me to find a table, and I chose the one near the window 

I'm impressed because it didn’t take long enough to get our drinks, and I'm also surprised how Ten got the coffee that I like.

“How do you know that I like this?”

“You always had that coffee every morning when you go to school”

Oh right, I always have coffee to wake me up.

“Okay I have to ask” I said

“Go ahead” 

“What happened to your last girlfriend?” 

“We didn’t work out. She cheated on me” 

“Oh god, I'm so sorry”

“Don’t be, I guess It’s my karma, I’ve been dating a lot of girls in our highschool days. It’s also why I'm still not settled down.”

“How about you? I know what you said earlier wasn’t the real reason why you’re still now settled” He asked

“Fine, You can really tell huh?”

“Mhm”

“Okay, I like someone but I don't know if he likes me back.”

“Can I know this lucky person?”

Yeah dumbass it's you

“Hell no” I laughed

“Come on I’ll tell you mine” He said looking straight in my eyes

“I’d rather not tell you” I told him. I don't want him to know that I still like him. It would be awkward.

We finished our coffee and we went for a walk. It was quiet and calming. Walking with Ten really gives me butterflies, Maybe because I didn’t experience dating because I don't date other people since I only want Ten.

“Can I tell you something?” He broke the silence

“Go ahead” I answered, from that moment I got nervous because I don't know what’s happening

“You look beautiful tonight, Hiraya.” 

WHAT THE FUCK 

I was speechless, But I was blushing. He definitely saw it because im pale as fuck

“You’re blushing” 

“Thanks, captain obvious”

“Not but really, you do look beautiful tonight. But that’s now what I was going to tell you.”

“Then what is it?”

“I like you, Hiraya”

Okay now what? What the hell is happening, Ten Lee? The biggest jerk in our school likes me?

“What now?” I said confused

“Since when?” 

“I started developing feelings for you when we graduated”

“Isn’t that the same time you found out your ex cheated on you?”

“No, That was a long time before our graduation happened”

“Why do you like me?”

“I was blind okay? I’ve been dating a bunch of girls without knowing you are the one for me, I was in denial for awhile but I realized I really like you. No scratch that, I love you”

“I love you Hiraya”

Okay I hate to admit it, I love him too. Using the word "like" is like you’re still in High School

Only young people use that word. But we’re not getting younger anymore right? I didn’t answer him. But I pulled him for a kiss to let him know that I love him too. It was long and passionate. It’s like getting your true love’s kiss. Of course one kiss leads to another.  

I woke up in an unfamiliar bedroom. Obviously It’s Ten’s room. I looked beside me and I saw him sleeping peacefully. He really looks good so I gave him a kiss on the cheek which made him wake up.

“Good Morning” I said

“Good Morning Beautiful” 

“Did you have fun last night?” He said. His morning voice sounds so hot 

“You bet” I flirted back

“Let’s get ready for breakfast? I'll cook you food, what do you want?” 

“Surprise me” 

“Okay then” He said and I went straight to the bathroom to take a shower.

While taking a shower I can already smell his cooking, it smells good so I changed into his clothes immediately after I got done showering.

“Pancakes?” I asked him

“Yes and Bacon” 

“So that is what i'm smelling, It looks good. Thank you” I said giving him a quick peck on the lips

I saw him blushing and I just smiled and eat the breakfast he made

“This is really good Ten,  how did you get so good at cooking?”

“I'm a chef,” He said smiling.

He’s a freaking chef!? He doesn’t look like one. 

“Well these are very good” 

“Thank you, I hear that alot” He said laughing.

After having breakfast, Ten and I went to my house so I could change into my clothes. He also brought his clothes because he said he wants to stay here for a while. Nobody told me he was this clingy. We still haven’t told our friends that we’re together now, So you could say that we’re now both settled? 

[ellerevelle]

hello again

Its been an eternity. I had to login with my yahoo email. My YAHOO. email. 

I’ve been sitting in the same position, at my computer, slouched over watching netflix for hours now. Not accomplishing a damn thing except panic. I’ve been enjoying the program I’m watching but continually keep checking my phone. As one does. 

I check Instagram to look for that little red message notification indicating a new DM. Its not obsessive, but I do feel relieved to see someone is there. I’ve been alone in my room, day in day out, for what feels like months now. I go to work, I go out dancing occasionally, but all in all, I’m lazing in my bedroom. Its basically my studio apartment, despite living in a 4 bedroom rented house. 

I’m here to journal. Because my life needs an entire overhaul. I really wonder whats wrong with me. Today I examined a LinkedIn job listing for, upon reading the details, is like- THE job. THE DREAM JOB. And I have no qualifications. 

If I had even remotely TRIED. AT ALL. the last, oh I dont know, TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE to do anything actually photography work related, I’d be maybe closer to qualified. But despite talking like I’m an artist, despite going to goddamn art school, despite telling myself or others I meet “yea I’m a photographer,” ... it has to be what you DO. As a VERB. And my cameras literally, absolutely, are coated in dust. I havent handled them in over a year. Probably more. 

What is wrong with me. I read the job description, I even took a screenshot of the listing for when it goes down, because I want to dream about it. Study it. But it says at the top of the list “at least 5 years of experience.” My last five years? have been bullshit. I’ve just gotten fatter and lazier and probably less mentally healthy. I mean, I’m barfing my thoughts on Tumblr again, I’m probably not okay. I’m here feeling like I’ve squandered my fucking years, that my life needs a genuine total overhaul. I am not mentally healthy. 

Why. Am. I. Afraid. To. Move.

Not move away, but literally MOVE. Work out, create, explore my city, meet people, even pick up a new book. I’m afraid to move. 

I need to clean my car. Its gotten out of hand. She doesnt deserve it. I feel like everything I SING about loving, I’ve stopped living up to. I talk about going on road trips ALL THE TIME. I feel like by letting my car fall into terrible disarray, I’m betraying myself. If I were to try to take a road trip, I’d have to do so much work. SO much work. Its so cluttered, the trunk is full of old clothes and weird concert souvenirs and random tupperware and literal trash. I need to vacuum it, I need to dust it, I need to clean the glass. I need to empty the entire thing out. I am afraid to do the work. I am unmotivated to do the work. 

Want to know what I’m thinking about why:

I want someone to care. 

I feel like I dont exist anymore. Like... no ones asking my any questions, no ones noticing me out there doing anything, I dont feel witnessed, I dont matter. So its really difficult to find motivation to do something that no one cares about. Which I dont mean to sound like the cliche “if you cant instagram it, did it really happen?” “if the tree falls in the woods but no one was there to see it, did it make a sound?” 

Its a vicious cycle, I observe, because in not doing the thing I think no one sees or cares about, the thing I CARE ABOUT definitely never happens and, therefore, doesnt exist to be cared about or seen at all. 

If I threw a party and nobody showed up, and quit throwing parties, then NO ONE would show up. Wayne Gretski “You miss 100% of the shots you dont take” la la la blah yes I know. 

Its so fucking scary. I feel so goddamn freaked out. I feel so obvious. Everyone wants to be loved and noticed, obviously. I’m in part afraid of no one caring, but also I’ve become so egotistical in a way- that if I AM seen, I want to be seen right. I want the right people around me. 

I’ve been dissappinted about people I’ve met or who has noticed me in this town. Again, ego, but like... I dont get hit on here. And those who DO, are AWFUL. I drive home after a night out and think - THAT guy? thought he had it to ask me for my number?

Not to sound cruel. But I’m talking like, total like... icky dudes. Or just blah dudes. 

I sparkle, and I want to share it with somebody ... whats a better way to say “with somebody who matters”? Because that sounds horrible. I dont see myself as some queen diva champion, but I just... have a lot and have lived a very interesting life, and I feel like its just kindof. Stopped. 

I hear some voices say that inspiration is bullshit. waiting for inspiration is an excuse. but like. 

what... how... HOW? How to just go and do things anyway when theres SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN DISSAPOINT YOU. SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN DRAIN YOU. SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN HURT YOU. SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN LEAD YOU ASTRAY. 

So in lieu of this fear, I’ve done nothing. I miss feeling fearless. 

I’ve felt happiness lately going to kpop shows. When the artist looks at me. Not a sexy look or even a real look, but I still feel seen. Your eyeballs, You this Artist I care about, has seen my face. Has felt my presence in the crowd. And I like to delusionaly think that matters. I know in a woo woo way, everyones energy matters, but I’m in my head really BELIEVING that my presence is special. So when I go out, or try to meet new people, and just get met with duds or nothing at all - I feel like it was a waste. Or, worse, that I’m the joke. And that I’m crazy for thinking I’m special at all. 

So. I need to clean my car. I need to get in shape. I need to dust off my cameras. I need to USE them. I need to play piano. I need to shred my magazines and make collage art again. I need to go out into nature and get attuned to the sunset and stars again. I need to even like, update my goddamn facebook page, and instagram and delete emails and FIX MY FUCKING LINKEDIN PROFILE BUT I’M SCARED. and lazy. And I want to have somebody to impress, but NOBODY. CARES. So why bother? But I genuinely feel like I’m disappearing! talking in circles. 

By not doing things for myself out of fear, I’m essentially proving the world right. By not existing, I dont exist. 

Why am I so scared? I mean, theres the Mom card. I’ve been aching to call her more than usual lately. This year I’ve felt the physical, tangible craving to call her. She died in 20...15? 2015. August of 2015. 

And I never knew what being loved like that felt like until it was gone. She knew me, she saw everything. And she thought I was the most special, just for existing. She had 5+ miscarriages after having my older brother. She didnt think she was gonna have another baby. Let alone a little girl. Then she got the call, that the pregnancy stuck, that I was gonna be her daughter. The doctors literally SEWED HER CERVIX SHUT to keep me up there long enough. I was still born a month early, but I was her treasure. She wanted me SO BADLY. 

I still dont know if her death was an accident or intentional, and I’m afraid to ask. I dont even know if my father would tell me the truth, he may need to believe it was an accident. But she was deeply depressed and addicted to hydrocodone, and she was found dead on our living room floor, all alone, on the day of her’s and my father’s 35th wedding anniversary. He was in the hospital at the time, he’d broken his shin bone weeks prior and has bad bones so he was in a rehab place. She was home alone, encouraged by him to just stay in and enjoy the house, and that they’d celebrate their anniversary another weekend. He sent her a bouquet of roses that she’d never see. They sat on our doorstep while she laid inside on the floor. It was devestating. Well, duh, thats an understatement. 

When I was going to therapy (I stopped over COVID and havent gone back) my therapist asked me “would it make anything different for you, if you knew?” and at first I answered No. But even the next day I was honest with myself and truly, it would make a huge fucking difference. Knowing if it was a mistake, too much wine, took an extra hydrocodone, got woozy and passed out, maybe hit her head, or maybe a heart thing. That would change everything, if she didnt WANT to leave us. If it was just a fluke. That’d make a very big difference. 

I’ve gotten over a lot since then and the layers of growth and wisdom I’ve developed is indescribable. I’m deeply proud of myself and who I am inside. But thats what makes me angry and sad right now. Why have I become such a blob? Surely I miss her love, even though it was so broken the last five years of her life with her severe depression. I forgive that, and I think she’d forgive me for being too young to understand and fight harder for her. Our hometown doesnt have shit in the way of Mental Health services. She needed worlds more help, and I couldve fought harder for her. Alas, I think she would be upset with me for thinking this way. She’d express “we’re the parents, its not on you to parent your own parents.” 

Anyways. I feel like my Father is loving me how he knows how. He’s great for sweet support, but not great with life advice. He’s the least ambitious man I know since he retired. He HATED work, but suffered and sacrificed infinitely for us anyway to keep our lives afloat, and for that I’ll be forever grateful. But since he got to leave work and came into family money, he doesnt do much unless he HAS to. He’s a music man, but hasnt played guitar or written songs or done anything creative in decades. He let it burn out. I respect him, I love him for him and try not to be disappointed about his choices but... its just difficult to express my feelings to him about these things. He’s like “Josie, dont worry I have money, you’ll never be in trouble.” And I just... I believe him but I dont believe him? I dont want to buckle into that. I feel like I need to earn that privelege. I cant just ask, I’m not a trust fund kid. Cant just be like DADDY I WANT TO GO TO MIAMI CAN I HAVE TEN GRAND? Like, no! First of all He’d never say yes to that hahaha. I’ve definitely lied (*white lied) to my family to sound more put together and “worthy” than I actually probably am. I talk about my job like its a bigger deal than it is, when in reality I’m only making $15 an hour and I’m late every single day. 

Fuck, speaking of. I was supposed to take a shower about 6 hours ago, but its 11:30pm and I have to go to bed and still havent gotten clean. Its been too many days. I’m gross. 

See!? my life needs a fucking overhaul. WHY AM I STRUGGLING TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER. 

I am broken dude. wtf. 

I feel more motivated to take care of myself WHEN I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY GIVES A SHIT WHO I AM! Somebody to wash my hair for, dress up for. Even though truth is, I absolutely do it for me. I go out to a concert to be seen, sure, but when I’m getting ready, I LOVE my reflection. I love hanging out with music on and expressing artistry with makeup or clothing styling. I do it because IIIIII like it. And then out in the world, at least if no one else likes it, at least I do?

But it still requires an invitation out. Someone saying “hey come meet us at this bar!” or a great concert I want to see and SHOW UP for. TURN UP for. 

How do I do these things, how do I give a shit about showing up, if theres no invitation? if theres no obvious purpose other than just doing the thing?

I fear by existing out there, youre inviting critique. If i carry a camera around, people will ask to see. And what if I suck!!! What if theyre like “oh my god who the fuck does she think she is, carrying that nice ass big ass camera and her photos are so mediocre.” 

I dont want to be a joke. 

Sometimes I go into massive panic attacks getting dressed to go out because I feel like, too old and fat or the wrong genre to pull anything off and if I go out like... it’ll be the “who does she think she is.” 

fuck. 

fuck fuck fuck. I need to wash my face. I need to brush my teeth. 

I need to get a FUCKING LIFE. 

I want that Hybe America job. Content Preditor, they mushed together the words pre- and editor to make PREDITOR. How sexy could that be! 

The job description describes who I wish I was. Prepared, experienced, creative, multitasking, able to improvise, team leader, good with new people, passionate about the music industry. 

I havent taken any vitamins today. the EASIEST thing to do. because I hate walking into the kitchen to get water. 

Thats a WHOLE OTHER CAN OF WORMS. my living situation. this post is already too long. I’ve already procrastinated showering for far too long. I’ve already watched... lets see... NINE episodes, 40 minutes each. 

I need help. Talk more tomorrow. Or, yknow, six more years or however long the previous gap between my posts have been. 

[fullsunstrawberry]

hey love!! i have a LOT to say... so buckle in

one- new layout!

two- boyfriend is back from japan i missed him way too much 😅

three- FAMILY DRAMA?!

my oldest brother has always been an asshole, ive also never been that close to him anyway, but he's still an asshole

and my middle brother is like literally my best friend and loves my boyfriend as well so yk we super close and shit

SO MY OLDEST BROTHER was talking shit about my relationship around my middle brother and my brother slapped him in the face (or maybe punched idek the whole story) so now everyone is like so confused and stuff (including me) and kao feels so bad bc he feels like he started it even tho its not his fault 😭 and my middle brother is stressing out bc he just "ruined his whole relationship with his brother" and my older brother... well idrk about him bc we talk only when we need to

anyway so today like at 12 the fam scheduled a zoom meeting so i can talk to everyone to try and see whats going on yk and there was this big argument between my mom and my oldest bro and now everything is so tense and stuff... BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE my exams are done and now i can focus on more things other than math and econ (regretting my major choices HARD rn)

hows your school and stuff? pls stay safe and drink lots of water <33

(omg whenever i ask someone about school i feel old)

i have so many stories i need to tell you but im going to hold it in so i dont write a whole novel

(sorry for my grammar and stuff i do math for a reason man)

THIS WAS BASICALLY A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE!!

i’m buckled in 🫡

firstly: you’re new layout is so cute <3

secondly: ahhh i’m picturing the romantic airport reunion! like running to each other at the airport 😍

NOW HERES THE TEA 🍵 🫖 !! I STAN YOUR MIDDLE BROTHER!! hopefully your oldest brother can see how much of a shit he was being and apologize. Also idk which brother’s wedding your planning but he should either be thankful because a. you’re putting so much effort to help one of your brothers and shut his mouth or b. your planning his wedding so he should shut his mouth…either way he should be quiet 🤐

^^this gets me heated cause i have a good relationship with my only sibling and i would never talk shit about his girlfriend :( !!

eyyy i forgot it’s exam season and i’m regretting not studying because my exams are next week 😢 YOURE MAJORING IN MATH AND ECON??? you’re stronger than me 😰 i’m basically failing calculus rn…i’m a business major basically meaning i don’t know what do do with my life yet hahaha

school right now is basically the calm before the storm, all the teachers are rushing to get everything done before all the exams go down and finalizing all my college stuff…i’m planning on going on hiatus for a week or two during all my final exams but hopefully my haechan smau will be done by then 🤞🤞🤞 and I'll still be online and stuff just won’t be posting and texts/reactions gotta keep my sanity somehow

also it was bring your child to work day today and i never felt so old…

i’m a grammar.ly person so if my grammar is wrong i’ll blame it on the app being stupid,, the amount of times i re-read all my work to make sure everything is okay is honestly insane (if i say i haven’t read over what i’ve written it was because i was sleep deprived)

can’t wait to here all your stories <3 my life is kinda boring rn sooo i’m all ears 😍😍❤️

[banannabethchase]

Set the World Alight: Chapter 13 - also on Ao3

~

It's Matt's birthday. She's excited. Nick is…feeling weird.

~

Thursday, March 13th

Matt wakes up on her eighteenth birthday, in her own bedroom, about half an hour before her alarm to her phone going ballistic.

“What the heck?” she mumbles, rolling over. She hits her arm on the sloped wall, still not totally used to the new room. “Ow!”

When she grabs her phone, she can’t help but grin. She has fifteen messages, at least five from Mox alone from what she can see, wishing her happy birthday.

hey love u happy birthday am I the first text

also i kno ur old enough but dont go vape its so bad for u

that last message was mostly a joke but still no vaping

She holds the phone to her chest as she practically spins out of bed. Matt gets ready, pleased for a repaired bathroom and her own space, and practically skips through the garage back into the main house. “Good my birthday morning, everybody!”

Nick stares at her, eyes still squinted. Their mom is yawning over a bowl of cereal.

“You’re chipper,” Nick mumbles. “Happy birthday.”

Matt beams at him. “It’s my first birthday as a girl.”

It’s like a switch with how quickly Nick’s and their mom’s faces change.

“Oh, baby, you’re right!” her mom says. “Wow. What an amazing – you text me what kind of cake you want, if you want decorations, okay? We’re going to do a nice dinner tonight.” She frowns. “Is it too last minute? Try not to invite too many, love, we don’t have a big house.”

Matt grins, feeling the excitement bubble. “Okay! Um. Can we have lasagna? And that big salad thing you make?”

Their mom nods and begins making notes on her phone. “What a good day to be off, wow. Alright. I need to get dressed. We have a whole thing to do!” In a whirl of pajamas, cereal, and excitement, she runs upstairs.

“I can text Kenny and Adam,” Nick says, waving his phone. “I mean. Assuming you want to invite them.”

“Oh, definitely,” Matt says, nodding a little too hard. “And Mox, but I can text him.” She thinks for a second – she wants to call the whole cheer team over, but then she’d have to invite the basketball team too, because Jamie would know. “Okay, just Mox, Kenny, and Adam. Don’t want to get too crazy.”

Nick laughs. “We should tell Kenny to bring Kota, just to see how much he’d freak out.”

Matt cackles. “Oh, he’d lose it. He’d shove his head in the lasagna to get out of that conversation.”

Nick texts Adam and Kenny, while Matt takes over for Mox.

Mom’s doing a birthday thing for me today. Want to come over for dinner?

Mox must have been holding his phone, because his response comes within seconds.

yes definitely ask her if she needs anything from kroger

Matt stares at the message. “Mom?” she yells up the stairs. “Mox wants to know if you need anything from Kroger.”

Their mom comes downstairs, dressed in a tee shirt and jeans Matt is pretty sure are both hers, but she likes the idea of sharing clothes with her mom so much she doesn’t care. “I mean, I do,” she says, twisting her hair up with a claw clip, “but, you know. I’m not going to ask my daughter’s boyfriend to pick up lasagna noodles for me. That feels a little weird. Tell him thank you for asking, though.”

Matt shrugs. “Okay.”

I think she wants to go and get her own Kroger trip. She says thank you for asking.

ok figured I cold ask. gotta get in good with the future in laws 😉

Matt’s heart flutters and she clutches her phone to her chest. All of a sudden she’s hit with a whirlwind of possibility, of what her life might look like ten years from now. She and Mox, living together in a little home. Maybe a dog and a cat, a kitchen with a big countertop. For activities. She giggles.

“Matt!”

She snaps out of her daydream.

“Earth to my dumb sister, hello! We need to leave now if we want a decent parking space.”

“Right!” Matt says. She gathers her backpack and coffee cup. “Right. School.” She swipes the keys from their bowl on the kitchen counter. “To school we go.”

~

Nick

“I always forget how annoying she is on her birthday,” Nick mumbles into his arms at lunch. “She just – she keeps talking and she never stops. Birthday this, and Matt that, and now we’re doing the dinner.”

“Dinner?” Cole says. Nick lifts his head to see him almost pouting. “I didn’t get invited.”

“Yeah, well, it was last minute,” Nick says with a sigh. “Kenny, Mox, and Adam.”

“Oh, well, I can obviously see why Mox and Adam are there, but why Kenny?” Kyle asks, stealing a noodle from Cole’s plate. Cole proceeds to elbow him in the gut. “Ow! What?! It was just a noodle?”

Nick stares as Cole stares at Kyle, who stares back at him, and then Adam groans.

“You three are exhausting,” Adam mutters. “Let me eat my noodles in peace, why don’t you.”

Kyle grins. “Oh yeah,” he says. “Eat those noodles.”

“Is that a sex joke?” Nick asks. “Because, if it is, it’s a really bad sex joke, and I think it makes me decide I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

“Doubt it,” Kyle says, popping another one of Cole’s noodles into his mouth.

Nick rolls his eyes. “I’m so glad Matt didn’t invite either of you.”

~

Matt

She knows she went to all her classes. She’s sure of it. But she remembers nothing of the day. She gets spoken to no less than four times by three different teachers for being on her phone, but she passes a pop quiz and a math assignment, so she decides it’s worth it.

Practice is less than ideal, because Coach Rayne decided on a conditioning day, but even running a mile and a half didn’t ruin her mood. She cartwheels and bounces through the route, and only kicks Willow once. Luckily, being Willow, she just pokes at Matt’s ribs and promises to kill her later.

She’s hot and sweaty as she gets back to the gym, but Mox still beams at her when she comes into view. She’s pretty sure her entire heart explodes.  

“Hey,” Mox says, sliding in next to her as they walk to the parking lot. “I gotta swing home to shower before your dinner, but I’ll see you then.” He doesn’t even hesitate as he leans in to kiss her forehead. “Mom needs the car to pick something up, so I might be a little late, but I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He darts off toward his truck. “Happy birthday!”

Matt skips her way to the car, adding a cartwheel or two.

“Um, hello!”

She turns to see Nick hustling from the gym. “Oh, hi, Nick.”

“You forgot me,” he huffs, stomping up toward the car. “You forgot your own brother.”

“I didn’t forget you!” Matt says. “I – I was going to swing around to pick you up.”

Nick rolls his eyes. “Sure you were. Sure.”

He’s in a horrible mood the whole drive home, gripping the door and hissing every time Matt takes a turn faster than a mile per hour.

“Are you okay?” she asks. “You’re all weird.”

“I’m fine,” Nick snaps. “I just need a shower.”

Matt resists the urge to ask how the heck a shower could fix a garbage attitude, but she rolls her eyes and walks in the door. Nick goes into the main house without another word, and Matt plays music as loud as she wants as she showers and gets dressed.

She decides not to spend too much time on her hair, because it’s ten minutes from when people are supposed to show up, and she rushes her makeup. She gets mascara in her eye as a reward, and has to give up.

Matt isn’t stomping as she makes her way into the kitchen, but she is frowning when she slips on a sock. Nick walks in. “Oh, perfect,” she snipes. “Nick, would you please pick up your disgusting socks?!”

Nick turns to her, with that stupid confused chicken look. “I just walked downstairs.”

“You have socks everywhere,” Matt says, planting her hands on her hips. “You could do something adult, like picking things up when you use them.”

“What – you leave your shoes everywhere, too!”

They bicker back and forth until they hear a knock on the door. Matt stomps over to the door and yanks it open to see Adam standing there, looking confused.

“Um. Happy birthday? I’m sorry?”

“For what?” Matt asks, stepping to the side.

“You opened the door all angry,” Adam says. He slides in past Matt.

Matt rolls her eyes. “Oh, that’s just because the house is a mess and nobody but me seems to notice.”

Adam blinks. “I, uh. I can leave. Come back later.”

“No!” Nick says. Matt has to fight the urge to roll her eyes. “I mean, don’t go. Matt, I’ll clean it up, okay?”

Matt nods. If Nick was going to be a lovesick, pining dork, at least it would benefit her. “Okay.”

She and Adam sit at the dining room table, and Nick follows soon after.

“All cleaned,” he says.

Matt beams at him. “Thank you.”

Kenny’s shows up next, joining them at the table.

“Mox not here yet?” Kenny asks, taking his jacket off.

Matt shakes her head. “No, but I’m not worried or anything. He said his mom might need the car so he’d be here as soon as he can.” She keeps her hand on her pocket, trying not to think the worst. She doesn’t have time to worry, though, as she hears someone come through the door.

“Sorry!” Mox says. “Sorry, didn’t mean to be late.” He shoves a bouquet of flowers in Matt’s face. “Happy birthday.”

Matt smells the flowers, partially because she has no option. “They’re great, Mox. Thanks.”

Adam, Kenny, and Nick make gagging noises as Matt and Mox kiss.

Dinner and dessert go off without a hitch. Adam’s on the other side of Mox, and the two of them are getting on like a house on fire.

“They seem pretty cool with each other now,” Kenny says.

Matt nods. “Everything after the…incident the other day, they’ve calmed all that down.”

Kenny nods, shoving a forkful of salad in his mouth. “Cool. That’ll make things easier for your brother, yeah?”

“What about me?” Nick asks, leaning past Adam and staring at Kenny.

“Nothing,” Kenny says, and he shoves another forkful of lettuce into his mouth.

“Oh, keeping secrets?” Adam asks. Matt knows that smile. “Hmm. What could you possibly be keeping from us?”

Kenny’s eyes widen as he chews. Matt’s not kind enough to change the topic, and she leans on her hand. “Yeah, Kenny,” she teases. “Are you keeping any secrets from us?”

“You guys are super annoying,” Mox says with a grin. “Matt, you’re not telling our secrets, are you?”

“Yeah, Matt,” Kenny says, in a mockery of her voice, “are you keeping any secrets from us?”

Matt doesn’t have any reason to blush, but she feels her face burn hot pink. “Oh, shut it.”

Adam laughs so hard he chokes on his lasagna.

~

Nick

Nick watches as Matt blows out the candles on her cake, and she looks more serene than Nick’s ever seen her. He watches, almost enviously, as Mox kisses the top of her head. The way she beams up at him…Nick misses feeling that way about someone who felt it back.

“I gotta pee,” he says, standing up. “Cut me a slice, okay?” He ignores the way his voice is unsteady, the tiny shake in his hand.

“Yeah, okay!” Matt says, eyes still locked on Mox’s.

He scrambles to the bathroom and shuts the door. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling, is the problem. He’s frustrated and confused and sad. He’s jealous and angry about it. He’s a coward when it comes to Adam, and he’s angry about that, too.

He’s too scared and too worried and it’s not fair.

He jumps half a foot at the knocking on the door. “Uh, just a second!”

“It’s just me,” says Adam gently. “Wanted to check on you.”

“You wanted to check on me peeing?” Nick jokes, voice unsteady to his own ears. “I promise, I know how to work a toilet.”

“Come on, Nick. I know you better than that.”

Nick groans and pulls the door open. “I’m fine.”

Adam’s smile is knowing, and a little sad. “You’re not. Is this about Jude?”

“What? No.”

He raises an eyebrow. “So you’re hiding in a bathroom during your sister’s birthday party, right as she blew out the candles with her boyfriend next to her, just for fun?”

Nick can’t meet Adam’s eyes. “You don’t need to rub it in.”

“I’m not rubbing it in,” Adam says, leaning against the door frame. “Jude bailed on you on your birthday last summer and didn’t tell you why until you called him a few days later.”

“I know.”

“So, obviously, you’re gonna feel some type of weird seeing Matt’s boyfriend be all sweet.”

Nick looks up at him. “I told you he didn’t even pick up my call, right?” He’s choked up. “Called me three days later, dumped me, and didn’t even say happy birthday.”

Adam’s smile is kind in a way that sort of hurts. “You mentioned it.” He holds open his arms. “Want a hug?”

Nick nods and falls into Adam’s chest. This time last year, hell, even over the summer, he wouldn’t have felt butterflies. He wouldn’t have wanted to hold on forever, wouldn’t have wanted to tilt his head up to catch Adam’s lips with his.

He doesn’t know when it started, but he sure as hell knows it’s not gone right now.

“Okay,” Nick says, stepping back before he can do anything stupid. “I – thank you, Adam. I feel better.”

Adam brushes his hair over his shoulder, and Nick’s entire body heats up. “Anything,” Adam promises.

~

Matt

“You got me a dress?!” Matt squeals, holding it up. “Oh my god, Nick, who did you bribe to help you have style?!”

“Mom,” Nick grumbles. The room laughs. “Okay, look, I don’t do the style thing. I defer to the experts.”

She thinks the best part of it is when the five of them are on the couch, watching old home videos while she tries to cover Mox’s eyes whenever she comes onscreen.vShe curls up in Mox’s lap as they watch a video of Adam and Nick doing a dance routine in their blowup pool in fourth grade, and Matt’s never felt happier.

~

Friday, March 14th

Matt

“What’s got you so excited?” Matt asks Adam as they pass in the hallway.

“It’s pi day!” Adam says. “You know. Like pi? The number?”

“I take statistics,” Matt says. “I don’t do all that fancy calculus stuff.” She adjusts her dress. Now that she’s out to the whole school, she’s started trying out dresses. Her birthday gift from Nick, purple and swingy, fits right, but it’s very different. It’s not a bad feeling. Not at all. But it’s pretty weird to have so much of her legs exposed.

“It’s pi day, just have fun with it,” Adam says. “Cute dress, by the way. The purple looks good on you.”

Matt immediately forgets all her doubts about the dress. “Really?”

Adam nods, reaching out to adjust a sleeve. It’s so gentle and sweet that Matt almost beams at him. But she controls it, because Adam is practically Nick’s boyfriend. “Of course, Matty,” Adam says.

Matt reaches out and squeezes his hand. “Well, happy pi day, you nerd.”

“Ah, with the insults.”

“Not an insult!” Matt argues. “It’s. It’s a good thing! Nerd is cute. People go for nerds.”

Adam pushes his glasses up his nose. “Not everybody.”

“Look, if you like – someone, you have to tell them,” Matt insists. “He – they might be too stupid and obtuse to realize you like them back, so you’ll have to make the first move. Because that other person is dumb.”

Adam raises an eyebrow. “Whatever could you possibly be alluding to, dear Matty?” His expression is a little weird, a little understanding. A little too understanding, but Matt doesn’t have the time to dig into that between classes.

“You know exactly what I’m saying,” Matt says, poking Adam in the chest. “Make a move. He won’t.”

“Noted,” Adam says, nodding. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? Cheer competition?”

Matt blinks. “You’re coming?”

“Course I am!” Adam says, looking almost offended at the thought he wouldn’t be there. “Haven’t missed one Spring Show, have I?”

“Usually they’re at our high school,” Matt says, adjusting the strap of her backpack. “This one is pretty far away.”

Adam shrugs. “And? I get to drive with someone who, according to you, may or may not like me.” He breaks into a grin, so wide it’s almost like he couldn’t resist it.

“Ah,” Matt says. “Right. My cheer competition is an excuse for you to flirt with my brother.”

“Why your brother?” Adam asks, feigning surprise. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, shut up,” Matt grumbles. But she gives him a quick hug before making her way down the hallway, a little more swingy in her purple dress than before.

~

Nick

“You said WHAT?”

“Calm down,” Matt says, checking her hair in the mirror. Nick might break it on top of her head. “I just suggested to him that somebody might have a crush on him. I didn’t say the person was you.”

“Sounds like you basically did!” he says. He thunks his head against the car window. “You need to worry about yourself, you nosy little brat.”

“You need to make a move on Adam before he panics and thinks you don’t actually like him.” Matt looks smug beyond words as she pulls out of the parking space and into the line of cars making their way out of the parking lot.

“He’s not gonna do that,” Nick insists, rolling his eyes.

“He might,” Matt says. She glances over at him, looking surprisingly understanding. “You really want to risk it?”

Nick curls in on himself. “No.”

“You need to say something,” Matt says. “At the very least, practicing saying it to yourself. Or me.”

“That makes it sound like you think you’re a part of me.”

Matt deflates. “I thought I was.”

“I mean – yes?” Nick has no idea how this has devolved so quickly. “You’re my sister. We grew up in the same room for, like, 17 years. Of course you’re a part of me. It’s just.” He shrugs. “I don’t know.”

They’re quiet the whole drive home.

[silentiumlitwicks]

1-5 music asks ඞ

1 Song i like with a Color in the title:

Vanilla Twilight- Owl City

The ULTIMATE YEARNING SONG songs that make you feel the entire scope of human emotion in 3 minutes.

2 song i like with a number in the title: I have 3 actually

21 Guns- Green Day

I don’t fucking Care how edgy it is sometimes I just really fucking feel it man. “Put up your arms, give up the fight” yeah, felt.

The five of us are dying - my chemical romance

This is like a early demo of welcome to the black parade with completely different lyrics but similar music and it’s good on its own.

The Magic 8 - Set it off

“so shake the magic 8 until it breaks breaks breaks. And close you eyes and take a leap of faith faith faith. Don’t be afraid of going your own way way way, shake the magic 8 until it breaks” just…. Yeah man Cody Carson was so right.

3 A song that reminds you of summertime:

Summertime-My Chemical Romance

Ha I’m funny

Forever Stuck in our Youth - Set it Off

“I’m on a permanent vacation, we’re young we’re young we’re dumb and we don’t care. And I don’t owe an explanation we’re young we’re young we’re dumb and we don’t care. FOREVER STUCK IN OUR YOUTH”

Just has that vibe of a song you’d hear at a end of High school year party.

4 A song that reminds you of someone you’d rather forget about:

There’s a few and they’re mostly from Emmet

I don’t love you- my chemical romance

“WHEN YOU’RE GONE WOULD YOU EVEN TURN TO SAY I DONT LOVE YOU LIKE I DID YESTERDAY”

enough said

Wolf in Sheeps Clothing - Set It Off

Yeah the edgy song in every anime villain amv. When emmet heard it the first time he was out in the driveway at our old apartment singing his heart out to it and the neighbor called over and said he had a beautiful voice.

“maybe you’ll change? Abandon all your wicked ways and start all over start all over”

Hum Hallelujah- Fall Out Boy

“A teenage vow in a parking lot until tonight do us part i sing the blues and you swallow them too”

“I love you in the same way there’s a chapel in the hospital, one foot in your bedroom and out the door.”

Lyrics in this one are something that’s for damn sure.

5 a song that needs to be played LOUD:

Disloyal Order of Water Buffalos- Fall Out Boy

“IM A LOSE BOLT OF A COMPLETE MACHINE WHAT I MATCH I AM HALF DOOMED AND YOURE SEMI SWEET, SO BOYCOTT LOVE DETOX JUST TO RETOX AND ID PROMISE YOU ANYTHING FOR ANOTHER SHOT AT LIFE AND PERFECT BOYS WITH THIER PERFECT LIVES NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING ABOUT TRAGEDY”

This song is our anthem, I may be the one who made it our top song of 2022 in only two months time but this is just a song for the whole system.

The World we Knew- sayonara wild hearts soundtrack

“I’ll treasure any fragments left behind”

Yeah man …. Yeah. Cannot put into words the emotions this song inflicts on me. Both the game version and the demo version have a Vice grip on my brain and I constantly find myself belting out “they say begin again, they say begin again, I’ll take any fragments I can find.” Man.jpeg minato family guy death pose emoji and I know you get it, dear asker you feel this song in your soul like I do.

This is Gospel - Panic! at the disco

When you’re going the fuck through you will Blast this song and not give a flying fuck. I hate Brendan urine as much as the next guy but this song just fucking HITS.

Ancient History- Set it Off

“I KNOW I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE YOU WILD YOU KNOW YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE ME SMILE BUT IIIIIIIIIIII NEED YOU TO BE MY ANCIENT HISTORY”

Even if you don’t have a clingy ex that you can’t seem to shake this song fucks hard and is AMAZING preformed live.

Backside of the Tv- Persona 4

Just yeah man yeah.

[amadnessofwords]

I hate being disabled so much I barely get to leave the house because of it and I dont actually have the money to do what I need to do to help myself.

I maybe leave 4 or 5 times a month and that’s just to do the normal things like grocery shopping, maybe there’s a pop up event or book signing I can go to but since the pandemic there hasn’t been as much stuff to do. My mom like to tell me I go out all the time but like 4 or 5 times a month isn’t actually a lot.

I just feel like I’m always in survival mode and I hate it, like most of the time I’m just trying to make the day go by as fast as I can and then tomorrow repeats it’s self and I hate it. It’s always been hell but it’s gotten so much worse.

The only way I keep going is by telling myself I just have to make it to the next outing or event and by talking to my ex but one of those things is gone....

Now I’m just like I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I really don’t want to be here anymore but trying to kill myself didn’t work out. So I’m just feel stuck all over again...

right now I’m just going to therapy twice a week and I want to join the gym I found that offers both yoga and boxing but I don’t have the money for that, i wish I did i think it’ll help my mental health a lot (the no money thing always seems to be the issure) I also have to pay a copay on my therapy which is what a lot of my money is going to and I wanted to try a road trip to see if getting into nature and seeing new things might help but until then I’m basically broke and just laying around my house waiting for tomorrow.

I also want to take some classes like photography classes or something just to do something but no money, so I can’t even do that.

Being disabled and unable to work sucks.

My new routine right now has been wake up eat breakfast go back to bed wake up again around dinner time eat, walk for a few hours, maybe play with the dogs, maybe do a puzzle or watch a cartoon and go to back to bed.

I asked about volunteering at the library but their volunteer spots are for high school students.

I’m afraid this is just going to be my new normal which is way worse then my old normal.

I’m just tied of trying to get though the day and survive

I want to have fun and be happy again but I don’t see that happening anytime soon

Side note

I keep having dreams with my ex in them and when I wake up I miss him so much, there’s like this ache in my chest that’s painful.

Tomorrow it’s official going to be two months since he stopped talking to me.

I hate all this